For the first time in my life, my passport is stamped with another country's immigration stamp, besides Singapore. I went to Thailand.

And it's not Bangkok. I went to Thailand's Maldivian paradise, Koh Lipe. It's indeed one of the most beautiful islands I've been to (within my travel experience that is).

After visiting Koh Lipe, I think I left my heart there. I couldn't help it but to be my own world these few days, remembering the beautiful blue and emerald hue Andaman Sea, as well as the fine, powdery sand, that's oh-so-cool beneath my feet. Not to mention the amazing sunsets that fired up the sky in blazing red and orange hues.

There are lots (and I mean lots) of cute dogs on the island, ranging from Siberian huskies (they've shaved off their fur due to the hot weather) to labaradors. All of them are so friendly and would love you to pet them (and feed them, haha)!

The Thai food is amazing, as expected. Fried fish in meam sauce, barbecued squid, and tom yam goong was some of the delights that I had on the island. The 7-Eleven doesn't disappoint too, offering lots of snacks, frozen or ready-to-eat, all sorts of beverages and more! They even sell their Thai branded smartphone there too. I really wish the 7-Elevens here in Malaysia can offer such service.

One of the most unique experiences I had was snorkelling in the dark. Why would you go to the middle of the sea and lower down yourself to the dark waters beneath you? There's only one answer; to swim with the hundreds of glowing plankton beneath the dark surface. Once you're in the water and wave your hands and shake your legs, these glowing creatures just appear, like how fairies wave their wands and a sparkling trail soon followed after. It's amazing to know there are such beautiful creatures on this Earth. And I'm very glad I had this experience! 

I'm so engrossed in relaxing and enjoying myself to the fullest that I did not take much photos, but I'll post some soon. If you haven't been to Thailand, I think Koh Lipe is a good way to start your journey to the Land of Smiles.

I think this 2015, there's another resolution; to visit another island besides Koh Lipe. I've been to Redang, Langkawi (twice until now), Penang (it's still an island), and Koh Lipe, so might as well round it up to the number five.

Islands to visit in my bucket list:
-Tioman
-Pangkor
-Mabul
-Sipadan
-Maldives
-Boracay
-Bali
-and much more to be discovered in the future...

One of the things that my DH needs me to do this year in my resolution list is :GET RID OF MY TUMMY.

He says it's for my own health, but of course I don't believe him. And you know what comes out of him in the end?

He says it's because he wants me to look good when placed near him, wants me to look good for sexy times, and also as a match to his expectations of his partner.

If I'm a woman, I'll definitely won't talk to him for a month. But I do realise that after all, all of us gay creatures are visually impaired. We only look for physical qualities and standards that we define as "handsome", "cute" or whatever terms that you may use to define attractiveness.

You may say that you're only looking at personality when finding a partner, but subconsciously we are all engineered and geared towards finding beauty. We're that blinded, or I say visually impaired when it comes to this.

That's why there's the Kelana Jaya pool, that's why there's TF, and all these cruisy spots. It exists and feeds into our subconscious into finding beauty, finding qualities that we like.

Is it something bad? To me, it's just eye candy. I don't mind if my man is flabby, and better still if he's bear-like. It's not an obsession, it's a passing fad.

But to my DH it's borderline obsession. Should I agree to his wishes? Should I do whatever I want? Should I agree to get toned? Not that I wouldn't look great in clothes, or naked for that matter.

Then we agree to terms that I am looking leaner than last year, and it takes time to actually match his expectations. I'll just put that matter to rest for now.

One thing still rings true: I still love him no matter what. To change for my man, well, if it benefit both ways why wouldn't I do it.

I think this is the closest, closest time that I had a fuck buddy. When I say "closest", I really mean "closest".

Dugged up from the closets within me, here's a story from my college days about this friend of mine.
 
"...I mentioned "tanned, funny, natural stand-up comedian". Well, we are friends and I did know that his sexual orientation is undetermined. He says he has not been in love before. But he hopes that his first partner will be a girl."

"Ok, fine, but instead, something else happened. We have this some kind of bromance going on, where we talked a wee bit dirty and fooling around. When I say fooling around, it's not like we're having sex. But just getting a wee bit closer than friends normally do. There was this time we went a bit too far and almost kissed, but we pulled back. I think he knows  that if we're ever going to go any further, maintain being friends after that will be hard for both of us. I know it too. Prior to this, he knows perfectly well that I am gay."

"But that night at the villa, when I was sleeping, I felt a hand. That hand was going over my chest and also behind my neck. I thought I was dreaming at first, but heck, I'm awake. And I know who it is. It's him, the tanned comedian sleeping at my side, feeling me up."

"If not for my conscience, I think I would have taken off my clothes and have wild savage sex there and then. But the bed was not only occupied by me, it was also occupied by TWO OF OUR FRIENDS, each sleeping at the left and the right side. We're in the center."

"So I kept my eyes closed and pretend to play along, as if I was asleep."

"He then hugged me. I played along and hug him back. All this while, I know he's not asleep. He's pretending to. When he is asleep, he WILL snore. And I didn't hear any. We're in this close embrace and suddenly, I felt something wet and warm on my right upper arm.  He's licking my upper arm. OMFG."

"It's quite a sensitive part and that was the first time somebody did that to me. My, it felt good. If not for the other two occupants, something else would have happened. But I didn't flinch."

"And then he adjusted from the embrace and kind of slept in 'the star gazer' style. After that, I hear snores."

"I couldn't sleep well that night. I waited for him to be deep in slumber before I adjusted. My hand was growing numb. Then, I looked at my watch. It was almost 7 in the morning. I woke up, made tea and freshen up myself for the journey back."

"I tried to bring up this topic on the way home. I said I had a weird dream last night, hands going all over me, feeling very weird. There's no response from him."

"Thinking back, was I being sexually molested? That night at the villa, I had a few rounds of beer, feeling light-headed, but I'm not drunk. He knows that. And neither do I have a hangover the next morning."

"Or did I went too far with the bromance? Was he exploring his sexuality, taking advantage of me? Or, the 1 million dollar question, has he fallen in love with me?"

And the answer was a "no" in the end. Thank God he got away. And I heard he has a girlfriend now, but how will it last or what kind of effect it has on him remains to be seen...

Are we still friends? Well, we're more like acquaintances. Why am I sharing this? Just to get it out of my closet, that's all. I'm sweeping all the cobwebs and remaining dirt inside.

Right now I feel like I'm more than attached to my current boyfriend. After three years of being in this relationship, it feels like I'm being married, and he's elevated to the status of "Dear Husband".

We haven't had any sexy times for close to a year, and the amount of sexy times I had can be counted with my five fingers. I'm very very close to a born-again virgin.

I haven't stepped inside a gay club for like half a decade. Not that I miss going there, it feels like I'm more mellowed and preferring the quaint quietness of villages and beaches.

I haven't been watching Ru Paul's Drag Race, or QAF, or Glee. It suddenly feels like I do not need to. It is fun if I do, but there are more exciting things I have at hand, like writing this post.

Truthfully, I haven't stepped inside a sauna or a bath house or a somewhat cruisy spot. There was this one time I was very near to a sauna, but the circumstances at hand just doesn't allow me to do so.

I'm out of touch with my bara mangas, I hardly read any new ones these days. Not that I don't like it anymore. Just not downloading new ones, as of yet.

I have not been downloading porn too. Really, I don't find myself going to Queerclick everyday. Heck, it's out of my bookmarked list. I haven't been opening my Fridae account, and I have not even downloaded Grindr or Jack'd or Growlr.

See how non-existent my gay life is? Am I devoid of life then?

I'm far from devoid of life. I see much more and experience even more with my closest friends, reconnected with old ones, and having great connections with my family.

About my relationship, well, my DH (Dear Husband) have his own set of rules and reasons as to why he does not want to make sex the main point of our relationship. It may be hard for you reading this to understand, but it somehow still works for us. Not that we do not yearn to have that kind of intimacy, maybe it just takes a backseat for a moment while we focus on other aspects of our realtionship. Maybe we are trying to reconnect back to the passions that we had, trying to understand each other even more, and accepting the change in ourselves.

And I hope this new year will bring even more good into our lives. :)

I used to think I hate change. I do not like to accept whatever changes that are going in my life. But it is the only constant. The only thing that will be here forever unchanging is change itself.

There are things that I used to like, or used to do, and I'm now not doing it or liking it. Maybe this part of me is taking a little rest, a little something that is still me, just that it's not the time to manifest itself.

Am I still swearing a lot like I used to? Well, no. I do it for the fun value these days, but nah, I have not been swearing regularly. Am I being more "domestic"? If I do have a house of my own, I actually will. Doing chores, go grocery shopping, that old regular stuff that we all morph ourselves into after college.

But in between these changes, I've discovered something else. I've discovered that I actually like the simple life. I actually love to have a very laidback lifestyle in the 'kampung', with orchards and a clean as well as beautifully decorated stilt-house. Put in a hammock, and internet, oh my, I don't want to leave. Ever. And if I ever have a house of my own, I want to decorate it into my very own oasis and rent out a room on AirBnb.

I have always love travelling and that love will never die inside of me. Going to hotels, booking pretty little guesthouses, browsing hotels on booking.com, and planning trips, it's all quite fun to me.

And I still love to eat. Going on a roadtrip just to eat stuff. Finding buffets to eat stuff. Baking my first cheesecake and gobble it all up. Trust me, if you haven't bake a cheesecake before, you should try it. It's the loveliest thing ever, beating all other cheesecakes out there. Food Foundry cheesecakes suck big time, and I swear my amateur ones taste much better and more original than theirs.

I'm still as enthusiastic as ever, even though I realise I am now a fully-grown man. I can gush over the latest movie, rant how good is this product that I use, and making a big fuss out of stuff that some people just don't matter.

I am now actually INTERESTED to watch Star Wars (I just don't get it before this but right now I really want to try) after Gravity, Lucy, and some other sci-fi movies that I've watched. Not a certified geek, but still is a nerd at heart.

And I discovered I love my friends very much. They are no longer my room mates, my college mates, they are just friends. Some of them I know will follow me through this journey we call life. Some I've known for like 6 years. It's going to be 7 years soon.

I also discovered that I still am placing family as the first priority in my life. When compared to my career, my career is going to take a backseat first. Is this good? Well, considering the fact that when there are three air disasters happening in and around my country, together with the great wall of flood we had this year, family is still first. I love all of them a lot, maybe more than they realise I would.

Another that remains a constant is that I find myself always love to lend a helping hand to anyone who needs it. No matter a stranger or a friend, we all need some help in our lives. We all need some good in it, among all these things that have happened.

Although it's already the third day of this 2015 when I completed this post, I wish all of you a Happy Blessed New Year. May this year bring much joy and happiness to all of you need it, and enough sorrows to keep you thinking how fortunate and lucky you are. 

As in months. Moon. Ah, you'll get it. I bet you do.

Well! My few posts back then was about my last job. And I have since left that poisonous thing alone. I got myself a new one, doing what I do best, which is... writing. And I'm in a totally new environment, but at least I'm much closer now to my friends as well as my bf.

In the time span of that few months, besides changing a job, I had the biggest argument ever with the man that I love. But though it is so, both of us learn something from it. Couples, no matter the ones that conform with society's view, or people like us, is actually the same in essence. There will always be this one thing, one problem, that pesters both of you till no end. Only and if only both parties are willing to tolerate and change for the better, it'll just iron out itself.

We're still very much in love with each other and we want it to stay this way. So, tolerate we shall and change we will. After all, tolerating each other, understanding each other is the glue that keeps a pair together even after all the fireworks fizzle out.

Talking about my current job, I'm very lucky to have found it. My working hours are more flexible and I love what I do. Also, one of the reasons I got this job is because I showed some sample of my writing through this little blog of mine. My boss knows I'm queer and totally cool with it. Ah... Bliss.

My friends are now nearer to me! Now my weekends are spent with them, which is just totally awesome. Stirred some crazy shit up (though not as crazy as before), a surprise weekend roadtrip and surprise brunches too!

Life can get better. I know it will. Never will I return back to the year before. I have so much things that I want to experience and the foremost thing right now is travel. Bali. Koh Lipe. World Cup at Russia for 2018. Sabah. Sarawak. Taiwan. Taman Negara.

Are bears still on the menu? Well, they'll take a backseat for the moment. But my love for them never diminishes. Will I post pics of them? I'll just try to post more interesting bara.

So that's it. If you're still reading my post until here, you're awesome. And your hair looks amazing today.

This year it's totally wrong. I stayed far too long in a job that I didn't like, thinking I could push through for a year and then I could do other things. It's now in ruins.

I dread to go to work everyday, and my mind isn't there even though I may be doing my work. I am speaking to clients and all, but I myself escaped into the vast imaginative space that I created inside my brain. I will find ways to escape; logging on to Facebook, checking out other websites, checking out Jobstreet (which is totally wrong, do not do this at your workplace). I created an excuse for myself saying that I need to de-stress, but I was actually escaping from reality, hoping to go somewhere.

I did this to myself for almost a year. To me, this is very self-destructive. Note to self, please, please follow your own instincts no matter what people may say. Do not go to places that you do not want to go just because people instruct you to do so.

I am so far away from my boyfriend. Even though it never ceases to amaze me that we are only 4 hours apart, but it's enough to break my heart. Whenever Karen Carpenter's song "Merry Christmas Darling" played on air, I get very emotional.

I literally dreamt that we were Christmas-ing on the very morning of Christmas. I'm so sick and tired without him being at my side.  So sick and tired of my job, so sick and tired of all those customer's requests.

I always believe that we have to love what we do, and we need to do what we love. I couldn't love what I'm doing right now, and I couldn't do what I love. I'm just feeling trapped here.

My family isn't helping with the situation. The advice that they gave was "you need to tahan a bit more", "work is like that", "bosses are like that" etc. etc.

NO. BOSSES CAN BE GOOD TO YOU. YOUR CLIENTS CAN BE GOOD TO YOU. THEY CAN APPRECIATE WHAT YOU DO. WORK CAN ACTUALLY BE GOOD TO YOU.

I know because some of the most wonderful jobs that I had, have people that really care, really kind, and really loving to each other.

Thinking back, I was indeed blessed to meet them. And I know I will always be welcomed back with open arms, if I ever choose to go back.

This year is just the worst year ever, even my Christmas was shitty to a certain extent. But I'll make sure no more of this thing next year, no more of this crappy job with a crap load of shit to begin with.


Next year, I'll start anew.

If you read until here, I thank you for lending me your ears. The Anonymous Gay Department will be filled again with steamy hot bears again, soon. Just let me tie up some loose ends in my life and regulate things in order.

Planting melons under the yellow mountain,

Each and every melon is ripe with seeds.

Pluck one, and you'll benefit all,

Pluck more and they'll wither.

Pluck three, and you'll have to consent with what's left,

Pluck more then take the vines away too!

This is another long story to tell, but I'm going to write it anyway. I have to get it out of my system before it affects me even more.

I went for a short trip back to my hometown because I need to renew my passport. At that time my plan was to renew it and go back to Singapore to find work. As I was passing the Woodlands immigration centre, I was being told that I have only 3 days left in Singapore.

3 days and then I have to get out from there. How to find work in only 3 days?

You see, there is actually a quota for Malaysians going in and out of Singapore under the social visit pass. 60 days is given and once it's up, you have to go back to Malaysia for 30 days before the quota is renewed.

At that point of time, I am at loss for words. Slowly, I feel very depressed, desperate and just plain sad. I even tried calling my friend, asking if his company in Singapore is hiring. There is a position available, but even he turned me away saying that his company is not what it looks like.

"There is a one year contract that binds you if you get the job."

And that whole day after that, Murphy's law just kicked into turbo mode.

I accidentally hit some elderly people with my luggage, my shoe heel broke off (and I did not notice it until  I was at the MRT station), and my laptop died after I accidentally turned it off when it was updating.

But there was a silver lining. My cousin told my mum there is an opening at a local advertising company at my hometown and my mum asked  me to go for the interview.

In the end, I did went for the interview, and I got the job. Starting work after Chinese New Year.

But I also did send some resumes to some companies in KL. I didn't get any reply from them ever since.

We humans can only plan but I believe there are higher powers up there that dictates what we should be doing.

The job that I actually am interested doing is visual merchandising. I have a passion for fashion, so might as well merge it together with the set of skills I am having right now, as a graphic designer.

I want my dream job so badly. So bad that I'm having this negative feeling towards the job that I'm going to do after Chinese New Year.

I want to believe what I read in zenpencils. I want to be the person that can pursue my dreams if money is no object at all.

But with the reality of life laid down in front of me, it's hard. So hard at times that it feels like being punched directly in the face with no questions asked.

I wonder when can I live my own life.

But at least for the moment now, I'm back.

After so long not posting anything, this is an update of me in the that little island down south, if you want to hear me out.

I haven't found a job. It's tough there, so I'm going to implement new strategies in finding one. And I need one big shot of optimism combined with action to combat the depressing thought of not having a job. There are bills I need to pay later this year, which makes it a tough pill to swallow.

I really want to find the job that I love. I don't mind just having enough to make ends meet, but it needs to be something I like to do. I want to believe that I really can make it here. Although I am not interested at all to stay there for long, but at least I want to try out for at least a year before I decide what's best for me.

On the other hand, I've discovered that place actually still has a very decent forest. Which I personally think is close to being impossible. But it's interesting to know that the forest is located at the borders of a golf club. My friend managed to scare some golfers by just popping his head out in between the trees.

How was Christmas for me? It was well spent with my brothers.

How was New Year's day for me? It was well spent at some relative's place.

Will there be any new year resolutions? To find a job that I love.

Oh, and CNY is coming. It's another year here in the Anonymous Gay Department.

It's going to be a very, very tough year ahead. Wish me luck!

And I barely know where should I start.

My grand aunt passed away and this is my first time sending someone till the end, going through all the last rites. I didn't even did that when my grandma and grandpa on my mother's side passed away.

I went to Jennifer Lopez's concert. Amazing performer and entertainer, certainly not a singer. And yes, I can see why her booty is insured for that amount of money.

I went to USS, or Universal Studios Singapore. Had lots of fun with my swan prince.

I found out that the KFC in Singapore is not worth eating. Hot and Spicy is neither hot or spicy, just a crispier version of the Original.

I still haven't find a job despite all the applications I've sent and the interviews that I've attended. It's hard finding a job here.

After coming down to Singapore, I appreciate and love my country even more. People here are so sad and so scared it makes me think about the saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side." We may not have money but we are indeed happier than them in a way.  

That's it for now. Until next time till I write again.

It's been some time since I posted anything, with all the work, emotional stress, moving back to my hometown, and basically, being busy about life itself.

Yup, so I made the decision to go to the island down south, that is Singapore, after many months of deliberation.

Thank you so much Tuls for your comment. I am touched and I appreciate the fact that you took time to write it. :) I took the road less taken, for me that is, but not the road not taken.

In case you are wondering why this decision is so important, it is because if I am to go there, the chances of working in the same career path that I've been studying for so long is almost nil. And I am now a Bachelor in Graphic Design and Multimedia.

The other reason why I choose to go there is because I really, really want to have my own house before I reach 30. If you are suggesting the new gahmen scheme for people who haven't own a house yet, let me just say, I am aware of how my country's financial state is.

With the kind of pay that I'm getting here, it's not helping at all. Sure, I can have a main job and do part-time jobs on the side, but I want to have holidays and other little luxuries of life too. Then there are going to be bills to pay. I'm trying to work smart here, to support my dream and to achieve the kind of lifestyle that I would like to have.

I do hope I can achieve my dream. And then get married, maybe.

I'll be leaving in a week's time. Wish me luck.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry, I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

...I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.

I think most of you have heard of this poem, but if you have not, then this excerpt is taken from the poem named "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost. It's exactly describing what I'm going through right now.

Should I, or should I not? The less traveled by? Which road is the less traveled by? I see both are trodden with enough soil and dirt, not a single petal of rose in sight.

Sometimes both seems equally bright, but sometimes both seems equally dim.

This may be the biggest decision in my life for the time being. My career is at stake! But once chosen, there's no turning back.

I can only pray.

(Today's post is a short story inspired by all the things happening around me this week. As usual, I like to write short stories that are filled with love. Nothing naughty here though. :P)

Run. Run. Run.

All I can hear is these 3 words inside my head.

It's all coming to an end.

"What does it mean when all things are not the way it seems?"

Run. Run. Run.

"What does it mean when your life shows such a monotonous tone that you start to hate it admist all the comfort that you can have?"

Comfort doesn't equate to happiness.

"One should plan beforehand. It's like banging your head to a tree with no helmet on!"

You don't understand.

As a kid, I always remember that I love Disney's version of "The Jungle Book" very much. My grandma bought me the VHS tape and the storybook that comes with it. I love Baloo. Baloo doesn't have to go to school, Baloo doesn't have to do homework, Baloo doesn't need baths!

Baloo only needs the bare necessities.

It's that time of the year again. Tinsel, glitter and shiny balls hanging all around, and they are not limited to places like trees.

But I don't know why, maybe because I'm jaded due to the assignments and projects that I am having, I don't feel Christmas at all. It's not Ebenezer Scrooge taking over my soul, but rather I feel like "Christmas? Oh okay."

I actually did a cover of me singing Ave Maria by Schubert to be posted here, but the quality of the video when I uploaded it here is just BAD so I decided not to post it.  Anyway, Merry Christmas to all of you out there.

Oh, and have you bought Christmas gifts for your family, friends and your beloved? Besides the usual places like Parkson, Sungai Wang and all the major malls (including the gay-stamped shopping mall), why not try to find gifts at unusual places?

And this little Malay poem is inspired by DANNY!TheBigMouth.


Kalau dipakaikan sepatu perak,
Anggun pemakai bagaikan merak.



Guess where I got this pair from?

You wouldn't believe it.

Mai-din. For RM70. 30% less than what they are selling at Sungai Wang.

I respect Mai-din.

Again, have a Merry Christmas to all those Christians out there!


P/S: I'm sorry that I didn't update my blog as frequently as it was, but rest assured that this will end soon. My holidays are on their way. 

If you're not living under a coconut shell, you'll know that The Star is having this musical happening at KLPac called "In Perfect Harmony".

That's where I'm working. Yes, I'm working at KLPac part-time.

And one of the songs is this. Tragedy by the Bee Gees.

All current public shows are sold out, but there are available limited tickets for 19th Oct and 23rd Oct at 8.30 pm. You can find out more by contacting the KLPac Box Office or The Actors Studio at Lot 10.

Oh, and Sean Ghazi is amazing in person. Looks, voice, perfect 10! HARD SWWOOONNN~~~

Two words: Fry cuttlefish.

Nuff' said.

I am a Buddhist and I believe whatever I do will have karma. It's either good or bad.

So I decided to remove my last post and confine it to the cold palace.

As I said before, this world is sickening. It needs love. Not reaffirmations of negativity.

I have to be the change if I want change.