In this little gay internet corner of mine (and at 36 years old in the year 2026, I know whatever I write/wrote here doesn't belong to me, Google might be/is using my writings to feed Gemini's insatiable appetite for human nuances in order to fortify itself ), I have documented a huge part of my growth as a gay adolescent in a country that is horrid towards people like us. In the year 2026, the same persecution exists in eliminating social spaces that help us to find community and belonging, unlike way back in 2012 or 2011 where such spaces were thriving (at least I believe it did, when I fact-checked my memories with the writings on my blog). 

But I digress. That will be another topic for another post, and today I would like to direct my writings to my younger self, the Thomas in his twenties. There was a lot of I-wish-it-can-be-better and I-wish-I-wasn't-in-this-situation kind of thinking, but let me tell you baby, you have to be patient, because things do get better.

So to Thomas in his twenties, here's what I would say to you. There are a lot of people who do not care at all about your well-being. Be it physical health, mental health, or financial health. I know that you did care about them in a totally opposite way, because you were taught to be kind and gentle, no matter the situation. In the end, you will forgive them, but you won't forget what they did to you.

One thing you must always remember to do is to always forgive yourself first. You do not have to be so hard on yourself. Because at the end of the day, you are the one who will be sitting with these feelings. So you must forgive yourself first. 

The second thing that I need to tell you is that you will get what you have been seeking. Even though the universe have packaged it in a totally different way, but it will come. You will go to places you have never dreamt of, and having experiences that are out of this world. One thing you must remember; it will not happen all at once. Like a gas tank that fuels four gas burners, only two or three can be lighted at the same time for maximum efficiency. But, it will happen, one at a time.

And when it comes, remember to just soak in it. There is no need to indulge yourself with the chase. When you stop and smell the roses, the butterflies of life will come quietly and rest on your shoulders. So cherish these little moments when they arrive.

The third is to have faith. You're not a religious person per se, but you know that faith will bring you solace in times of need, in times of confusion, and in times of despair. So put this into your heart. And remember, karma always finds a way.

The fourth? You're a strong person. Looking back, I have no idea how you did so well, withstanding all the raging storms in life. Knowing how you were back then, you might have given up long ago. But you did not. 

So don't give up. Because if you do, I won't be here today. Thank you for being such an amazing, strong guy for me.

Also, let me give you some updates about your current life. You have an amazing boyfriend, a love/hate relationship with him, and an old cat that you love to take care of. Your career has stabilised through it all. You have food on the table and a roof over your head. A new roof is coming soon because the condo that you decided to buy in your 30s is now finally ready, just waiting for the keys to be handed over. 

Even though the noise about things that you have no control over is getting louder, you have now gained better control over your life, your finances, and your connections. 

So to the Thomas in the twenties, dry off those tears. Build yourself up, brick by brick, because I promise you, life does get better. Just hang in there for me.

Another story from the deep recesses of my mind. Enjoy. :)

For reasons more than I could comprehend, my ex is suddenly out of my door for almost half a year. That's 180 days, compared to the 1400 days that we've been together. Is it sad? Is it lonely to be so?

The fan in my room pounded the air with such force, that I was suddenly awaken by the white noise with this idea in my thoughts. I've not been in a relationship for almost six months, my brain repeated.

And to add salt to the wound, this paragraph emerges from the chest of drawers within my head...

I took a look at my phone. It's fucking 5am. And Lord Alfred Tennyson appeared. Such great timing, brain. Thanks. It's a time for me that's hard to go back to sleep, for fearing I might miss the alarm. And my brain has to do this for me. Thanks again bud. I'll keep you sedated with a pitcher of Long Island Tea next time.

I woke up and turned off the bathroom lights. What greeted me in the mirror is the look of a man, so deep within his emotions and thoughts in the middle of the night. Not exactly a good look. And I need to start my exercise routine. As soon as I could.

Yeah, my jaw looks chiseled, my straight hair tousled, my ribs poking out due to me going on a diet and counting calories. My arms looked better than ever, my chest too. But my abs are still hidden beneath a layer of fat that I so despise, I might trade it off with my limited-edition WOW postcards for Winter Veil, just for a glimpse of it and a 2-second fame on Instagram.

People generally say I look good these days, better than ever before. But is it so? The gay visual perception of themselves is always a few notches behind what people perceive. I find it hard to believe that I was the fat, weird, nerdy kid last time in high school. I still have that part inside me. Heh.

Ding!

Who's messaging me at this hour?

"Hey, I just want to say I miss you."

Alfie. The guy that I somehow connected with a month ago. It's another missed opportunity in my dating life; Alfie has a boyfriend. And he went back to the United States to continue with his studies. Shows no interest in long distant relationships.

"It's 5am something in Malaysia. Not sure whether should I say good morning or evening. hahaha"

 "You need to do something? Waking up so early?'

"Nope, just waking up suddenly in the middle of pretending to be dead, God knows why."

"Hahaha :) Do you miss me?"

"If I say I'm not, I would be lying to you. I like your company when you're here. :)"

"I miss the mamak stalls. Nothing here compares to it."

I go silent. Yeah, mamak stalls. When you're here, we'll always hang out for cendols, teh tariks, and basically everything that we could get our hands at the mamak stall. It's not the food, it's your company. We enjoyed each other's company so much we basically had a few rounds of stuff just to prolong the conversation.

You, with your dark chocolate skin, bushy eyebrows, the stubbled jaw, and wavy hair that you always attempt to flatten it out on the sides.

Me, taking it all in that handsome face, that slim atheletic build, which I hope to see again next summer holiday.

 "Yeah, of course nothing compares to it."

Two grey ticks. Received, but not yet seen. Must be in class, that boy. As I put my phone down, getting to readjust myself into bed, another buzz came along.

 "I hope our plan to Bangkok is still on. You're coming, right?"

"Yeah, sure. I'll look up the air tickets when I'm free kay?"

"Keep in touch kay? I do miss you, you bugger. :*"

Flirting on the phone again. Old habits never die, especially for Alfie. As I lay my head on my pillow, my head got thinking all the possibilities that could have been, might have been. Ifs. Whys.

And my thoughts lay asunder, with Alfie's face filling in the space. Those lips, softer than the inner petals of a rose. Those hands, thin with sinew but holds a ton in between them. My head is filled with his scent, the scent of cardamoms, the scent of cinnamon, the scent of spices.

The scent of a man over the phone.

*Based on my own experience. Enjoy a short story from me.*

My watch shows it's 11pm. The cafe's almost closed, but he's not replying. I waited patiently as down another cup of black coffee. No sugar.

Should have asked for sugar. But no, the waistline! Such a dilemma. Coffee's not helping. I'm getting even more nervous.

Ding!

My fingers swiped to see his answer.

"There's nothing wrong with your results, Tom."

"You're sure, Izzu?"

"It's just your hepatitis antibodies getting low. I could give you a jab and a hardcopy of the report on Monday."

My heart lets off a sigh of relief, but my brain is bringing me back to a memory from a year ago.

***

"Dear, you should get yourself checked. We're in this relationship for four years. Could you at least do this for me? You requested to see my health report when we're together, so now it's your turn to do it."

I sat in his car, fiddling with the seat belt. I've always liked the seat belt. He puts this little padding on it that helps to keep your shirts getting all wrinkly when you're using it. Hmm. Little monkey on a seatbelt.

"Okay, anything for you." I replied half-heartedly. I mean, why should I go get tested? I have been faithful. I'm not like the other guys. I don't have Jackd. I don't have Grindr.  I don't meet other guys! I don't have a gay social life! Why want me go get tested?

***

"You're tested positive for gonorrhea, Mr Tom."

"Err... You're sure, doctor? I really have been faithful. No other guys."

"You do drugs?"

"No. Of course not."

"You drink?"

"Socially yes, but I don't get myself drunk."

"Maybe you'd like to discuss this with your partner."

The Whatsapp messages flew. Dear is to go the clinic to get tested right away after work. Report came back. He's negative. How could this be? Where have I gotten it?

"You don't have to worry, Mr. Tom. I'll prescribe you a course of antibiotics and a jab. It is most important you get this treated, as having an STI may increase the chances of getting other infections as well as HIV."

***

We broke up a few months after that. There's nothing now but cordial messages between us, and the occasional Facebook status updates. We didn't unfollow or unfriend each other. We just ignore the streams of photos that our friends tagged us.

Friends. I have a few friends. For benefits, that is.

You have no idea how these men worshipped me. I still get messages from them whenever they're in town. But sometimes it's just so sudden, that I couldn't accommodate them all. There's work and there's family. I couldn't fuck every night, even if I wanted to.

How much has changed. I, the wallflower that refuses to participate in the orgies and fantasies of the gay community, finally succumbed to it, for I, wanting to drown myself in the hedonistic waves, relieving me of this sorrow, this sorrow of breaking up with the first man I've ever loved.

But of course it comes with a price. Condoms are not cheap. Lube is not cheap. Getting tested in a private clinic, in the comfort of an understanding doctor, is not cheap. And that's what happened in the first paragraph. My doctor Whatsapped me my results. Or more like my old flame Whatsapping me my results.

Then, it dawned on me.

For four years, I've been stupid enough to believe a man who says that he is as faithful as I am to him. I got gonorrhea when I am with him.

I got nothing when I practically fucked each and every guy who is sexually compatible with me.  

His pride. And his lies.

Goodbye motherfucker.

Crazy Night #1
Okay, so I've been on Grindr for a while now and I had fun. But, that said, I encountered something truly bizarre. A wacko who slut-shamed and humiliated me. How did it happen you ask?

Okay, so there was this night I was grinding away on Grindr, and a message in the familiar blue shade popped up. So this guy is saying he's horny as hell and finding someone to have some fun with at a local hotel. I agreed, and drove there to see him in the middle of the night.

Once I arrived at his hotel room, I knocked on his door. Knocked once. Knocked twice. Didn't answer. Messaged him once. Messaged him twice. Didn't answer. Okay, the situation is getting weird.

Then came this security guard. He was saying I'm trespassing the property and was disturbing the guest inside the said room. He's very stern and serious (almost wanted to call the police) but I talked myself out of it (thank God for giving me the gift of the gab and acting skills at this hour). All this while I was messaging him, being furious about why he did not want to open the door and save me from all the trouble.

Turns out he's this psycho guy who says all sluts are supposed to die (something at that line, I don't remember much), saying Chinese sluts are all these sex-crazed guys, and it was all a set-up to humiliate me. I blocked his profile there and then.

I got home shaken (but very much thankful and not stirred) and got into action. I found out that wuss and reported him on Grindr. And I'm so happy that I actually got a response from the Grindr team and his profile was blocked.

This ain't gonna stop this slut from having sex tho. I love sex and I love my sex life right now.

Crazy Night #2
Okay, so we all love muscles and muscular guys just turn our heads like sunflowers to the sun. But as we know in this stereotypical world we live in, muscular guys would much prefer to have fun with muscular guys.

So on a Sunday, I decided to hookup with someone in the afternoon. But after that I feel it's not enough. It's like being served the same dish everyday and though you love it, you do get bored after some time. The type of guys that hookup with me are smart and intelligent enough to hold a decent conversation, but their looks are just average. Not that I'm not fond of vanilla, I'd just like to get my hands on some chocolate or strawberry.

So after dinner that night, I decided to grind another guy and see how far my luck takes me. Then, something caught my eye. A mature muscular guy is now online. I stopped for a while. Should I message him or take a risk of being rejected? A face pic and the usual greetings later, I got so damn lucky. He asked me to go over his place. My heart just went racing to the top and my stomach just churned (I think I got addicted to this adrenaline rush whenever someone attractive to me asks me to have fun).

Although he's a mature guy, but oh my, that chest, that ass, those arms! His abs are not that well defined but still he's large. And it feels amazing. It's not rock hard, but those contours! Especially his ass! His chest! And he looks extremely masculine, so masculine that it looks like his jaw is chiseled from marble.

Dick size is really adequate. I guess it must be a 7", and feels so amazing in my hands. He's an okay lover, but with that bod, I think he expects people worshipping it. Which I really don't mind doing. And I worshipped every inch of that body. Licked every inch, caressed every part that I could. Rode that tool too.

Once you have such prime meat you never want to go back eating regulars. And on the other hand, it's a goal, an inspiration! I want to look that great in the future, better than what I look like right now. I'm not fat, it's a bit more okay than average, but still not muscular. It really is a nice long-term goal to achieve.

And there you have it. A tale of two absolutely crazy nights, ending on two different notes.

It has been 2 months since we've broken off. To make matters worse, he was the one asking for the separation on our anniversary dinner. It hurts.

I asked him why. His excuse? He said that he has depression. It's affecting him the way he perceive love. Before that, there were lots of others. Not sure of what he wants, complaining about the way I look, our expectations don't match, frustrated of seeing no change, and many other excuses that I stopped counting anyway.

I love him. Yes, I still do. I did not delete his Facebook, Instagram, phone number, and photos, nor did I throw away the many gifts he gave me. There's too much. How do you throw it out? How do you get rid of a rose that has turned into a thorn in your life for 4 years?

He also mentioned the moment his feelings for me started to change 2 years ago. I've wasted 2 years of my time not knowing and in the dark, waiting for some kind of a change to our relationship. And it turned out to be far from my dreams. On the other hand, I acknowledge he has wasted this much time too. He's also hurt and feeling the same way as I do. I still couldn't comprehend why he choose not to tell me his feelings. Is it because there's someone else? I truly think there is, no matter how much he denies it. And I think I know who is it anyway.

I quit my job in KL and came back to my hometown. Partly was because my boss isn't paying me, but on the other hand, even before we broke up, there's something deep inside of me, telling me it's not going to last. I might as well pack up my bags and head home to heal.

And yes, I've got a lot of sexual healing. I have my one-afternoon-stands, my bisexual fuck buddy, my precious friend, my webcam sessions, my maybe-can-be-boyfriend friend, my bottoms, and my tops. Each of them are just so nice to talk to (minus the one-afternoon-stands; just finding me for a quick fuck) and some I know can be my wonderful friends to keep, as long as I'm here.

I used to frown upon sluts, but now I'm the slut. Karma get backs to you anyway. So be careful about what you say, lest it happens to you. Still, I'm happy being a slut. I'm appreciated for my personality, my looks, and I look sexy in all the eyes of these men. Not to say I have a low self-esteem, but it's a wonderful boost of ego. Much much better than when I'm with my boyfriend.

Guess I'm gonna be single for a while, till I'm fedup being blocked, or treated like a sex toy. But right now, I'm having sex everywhere. People's workplace, in my car, at the beach, at the carpark, everywhere! I like to try everything. But I'm not doing chem fun, not even poppers. Though one of the guys that I hook up with likes it so much.

Guess that's how it feels being sexually liberated. Oh and another thing? I like Malays. Nice cocks and the attitude is perfect for non-permanent relations. Fuck 2 or 3 times then move on the next one. Lovely.

P/S: Safe fun always. I found out the most reliable one is still Durex. The least comfortable one is Playsafe. Gets loose very easily.

For the first time in my life, my passport is stamped with another country's immigration stamp, besides Singapore. I went to Thailand.

And it's not Bangkok. I went to Thailand's Maldivian paradise, Koh Lipe. It's indeed one of the most beautiful islands I've been to (within my travel experience that is).

After visiting Koh Lipe, I think I left my heart there. I couldn't help it but to be my own world these few days, remembering the beautiful blue and emerald hue Andaman Sea, as well as the fine, powdery sand, that's oh-so-cool beneath my feet. Not to mention the amazing sunsets that fired up the sky in blazing red and orange hues.

There are lots (and I mean lots) of cute dogs on the island, ranging from Siberian huskies (they've shaved off their fur due to the hot weather) to labaradors. All of them are so friendly and would love you to pet them (and feed them, haha)!

The Thai food is amazing, as expected. Fried fish in meam sauce, barbecued squid, and tom yam goong was some of the delights that I had on the island. The 7-Eleven doesn't disappoint too, offering lots of snacks, frozen or ready-to-eat, all sorts of beverages and more! They even sell their Thai branded smartphone there too. I really wish the 7-Elevens here in Malaysia can offer such service.

One of the most unique experiences I had was snorkelling in the dark. Why would you go to the middle of the sea and lower down yourself to the dark waters beneath you? There's only one answer; to swim with the hundreds of glowing plankton beneath the dark surface. Once you're in the water and wave your hands and shake your legs, these glowing creatures just appear, like how fairies wave their wands and a sparkling trail soon followed after. It's amazing to know there are such beautiful creatures on this Earth. And I'm very glad I had this experience! 

I'm so engrossed in relaxing and enjoying myself to the fullest that I did not take much photos, but I'll post some soon. If you haven't been to Thailand, I think Koh Lipe is a good way to start your journey to the Land of Smiles.

I think this 2015, there's another resolution; to visit another island besides Koh Lipe. I've been to Redang, Langkawi (twice until now), Penang (it's still an island), and Koh Lipe, so might as well round it up to the number five.

Islands to visit in my bucket list:
-Tioman
-Pangkor
-Mabul
-Sipadan
-Maldives
-Boracay
-Bali
-and much more to be discovered in the future...

One of the things that my DH needs me to do this year in my resolution list is :GET RID OF MY TUMMY.

He says it's for my own health, but of course I don't believe him. And you know what comes out of him in the end?

He says it's because he wants me to look good when placed near him, wants me to look good for sexy times, and also as a match to his expectations of his partner.

If I'm a woman, I'll definitely won't talk to him for a month. But I do realise that after all, all of us gay creatures are visually impaired. We only look for physical qualities and standards that we define as "handsome", "cute" or whatever terms that you may use to define attractiveness.

You may say that you're only looking at personality when finding a partner, but subconsciously we are all engineered and geared towards finding beauty. We're that blinded, or I say visually impaired when it comes to this.

That's why there's the Kelana Jaya pool, that's why there's TF, and all these cruisy spots. It exists and feeds into our subconscious into finding beauty, finding qualities that we like.

Is it something bad? To me, it's just eye candy. I don't mind if my man is flabby, and better still if he's bear-like. It's not an obsession, it's a passing fad.

But to my DH it's borderline obsession. Should I agree to his wishes? Should I do whatever I want? Should I agree to get toned? Not that I wouldn't look great in clothes, or naked for that matter.

Then we agree to terms that I am looking leaner than last year, and it takes time to actually match his expectations. I'll just put that matter to rest for now.

One thing still rings true: I still love him no matter what. To change for my man, well, if it benefit both ways why wouldn't I do it.

I think this is the closest, closest time that I had a fuck buddy. When I say "closest", I really mean "closest".

Dugged up from the closets within me, here's a story from my college days about this friend of mine.
 
"...I mentioned "tanned, funny, natural stand-up comedian". Well, we are friends and I did know that his sexual orientation is undetermined. He says he has not been in love before. But he hopes that his first partner will be a girl."

"Ok, fine, but instead, something else happened. We have this some kind of bromance going on, where we talked a wee bit dirty and fooling around. When I say fooling around, it's not like we're having sex. But just getting a wee bit closer than friends normally do. There was this time we went a bit too far and almost kissed, but we pulled back. I think he knows  that if we're ever going to go any further, maintain being friends after that will be hard for both of us. I know it too. Prior to this, he knows perfectly well that I am gay."

"But that night at the villa, when I was sleeping, I felt a hand. That hand was going over my chest and also behind my neck. I thought I was dreaming at first, but heck, I'm awake. And I know who it is. It's him, the tanned comedian sleeping at my side, feeling me up."

"If not for my conscience, I think I would have taken off my clothes and have wild savage sex there and then. But the bed was not only occupied by me, it was also occupied by TWO OF OUR FRIENDS, each sleeping at the left and the right side. We're in the center."

"So I kept my eyes closed and pretend to play along, as if I was asleep."

"He then hugged me. I played along and hug him back. All this while, I know he's not asleep. He's pretending to. When he is asleep, he WILL snore. And I didn't hear any. We're in this close embrace and suddenly, I felt something wet and warm on my right upper arm.  He's licking my upper arm. OMFG."

"It's quite a sensitive part and that was the first time somebody did that to me. My, it felt good. If not for the other two occupants, something else would have happened. But I didn't flinch."

"And then he adjusted from the embrace and kind of slept in 'the star gazer' style. After that, I hear snores."

"I couldn't sleep well that night. I waited for him to be deep in slumber before I adjusted. My hand was growing numb. Then, I looked at my watch. It was almost 7 in the morning. I woke up, made tea and freshen up myself for the journey back."

"I tried to bring up this topic on the way home. I said I had a weird dream last night, hands going all over me, feeling very weird. There's no response from him."

"Thinking back, was I being sexually molested? That night at the villa, I had a few rounds of beer, feeling light-headed, but I'm not drunk. He knows that. And neither do I have a hangover the next morning."

"Or did I went too far with the bromance? Was he exploring his sexuality, taking advantage of me? Or, the 1 million dollar question, has he fallen in love with me?"

And the answer was a "no" in the end. Thank God he got away. And I heard he has a girlfriend now, but how will it last or what kind of effect it has on him remains to be seen...

Are we still friends? Well, we're more like acquaintances. Why am I sharing this? Just to get it out of my closet, that's all. I'm sweeping all the cobwebs and remaining dirt inside.

So one of my resolutions in 2015 is to actually be myself again. Doing things like dressing up more instead of letting me become a hobo, actually clean my room weekly, and try to maintain a balance of doing my chores instead of piling them up. Also, try exploring back things that I used to do, like writing this blog and take a look around and see what other bloggers are doing...

Seems like 2014 is really a bad year for some. I was like thinking, "Is 2014 jinxed?"

I myself have my own set of problems in 2014 when I started my new job. Location, salary and the trustworthiness of some people. Then there's my grandfather's condition.

So again, I sincerely pray to all of you who are having a bad 2014, let bygones be bygones, and may the new year bring you love and joy. Cut some limes, wash yourself with flower water, jump over a fire, and do just whatever you may need to cast away all these negativity.

Start fresh and start anew, it isn't too late to do so.

Right now I feel like I'm more than attached to my current boyfriend. After three years of being in this relationship, it feels like I'm being married, and he's elevated to the status of "Dear Husband".

We haven't had any sexy times for close to a year, and the amount of sexy times I had can be counted with my five fingers. I'm very very close to a born-again virgin.

I haven't stepped inside a gay club for like half a decade. Not that I miss going there, it feels like I'm more mellowed and preferring the quaint quietness of villages and beaches.

I haven't been watching Ru Paul's Drag Race, or QAF, or Glee. It suddenly feels like I do not need to. It is fun if I do, but there are more exciting things I have at hand, like writing this post.

Truthfully, I haven't stepped inside a sauna or a bath house or a somewhat cruisy spot. There was this one time I was very near to a sauna, but the circumstances at hand just doesn't allow me to do so.

I'm out of touch with my bara mangas, I hardly read any new ones these days. Not that I don't like it anymore. Just not downloading new ones, as of yet.

I have not been downloading porn too. Really, I don't find myself going to Queerclick everyday. Heck, it's out of my bookmarked list. I haven't been opening my Fridae account, and I have not even downloaded Grindr or Jack'd or Growlr.

See how non-existent my gay life is? Am I devoid of life then?

I'm far from devoid of life. I see much more and experience even more with my closest friends, reconnected with old ones, and having great connections with my family.

About my relationship, well, my DH (Dear Husband) have his own set of rules and reasons as to why he does not want to make sex the main point of our relationship. It may be hard for you reading this to understand, but it somehow still works for us. Not that we do not yearn to have that kind of intimacy, maybe it just takes a backseat for a moment while we focus on other aspects of our realtionship. Maybe we are trying to reconnect back to the passions that we had, trying to understand each other even more, and accepting the change in ourselves.

And I hope this new year will bring even more good into our lives. :)

I wanted to post this some time ago, but here it is. In this post, it's referring to bags. High-end designer bags.

If you know me long and well enough, you'd notice I'm one of those gays labeled as "fashionistas". Unfortunately, my life isn't that exciting and although I love fashion (and own some), I hardly chance upon the times where I could dress myself to the nines. It's more of a "all dressed up and nowhere to go" scenario. So you'll mostly find me in t-shirts and shorts, or even tanks, with messy hair.

But enough about me. The reason what motivated to write this is because I came across a post from a blogger about brand recognition and the value of a designer bag. Why a piece made from the part of a dead animal can cost so much that you can feed a malnourished family in Africa for a year (This is what my grandmum will say about my habit. I acknowledge it as my hobby)?

Let me try to educate you all with my certain level of knowledge about the fashion industry and the love of all things designer.

Let's try to dissect this by using a Louis Vuitton Neverfull in PM. It's the rhombus tote with two straps at the side that you can see almost everywhere (yes, everywhere). PM here refers to the smallest size available for this tote, which is around the size of a B4 paper (considering only the body, minus straps). This will set you back around USD1140, or RM4000, more or less, depending on where you are buying this tote.

(The Louis Vuitton Neverfull PM used to be USD 770, or around RM 2500, a few years back, but more on this later.)

The Neverfull is made from high quality canvas (not leather), with a lining in fuschia textile (colour of lining has its variations, depending on the size model) for the monogrammed version. It's trimmed with vachetta leather, which means untreated leather and is susceptible to water stains and dirt. Over time, the trimming will age into a honey brown colour. This is called a patina. The hardware is made of brass with a gold tone. It's not gold plated and will tarnish over time. Also, the bag is reversible, which means you can turn the bag inside out and use it.

Now, considering the materials of the bag, do you think it's worth it? If not, then what are you paying for exactly? Well, note that although each bag is not exactly hand stitched (some parts are, some parts aren't, depending on the complexity of the design), it is a handmade product. Fine skills are required and the people who do this are called artisans. So some part of your money goes to their salary.

Now what about advertisements? Louis Vuitton features an ad campaign for every collection that they produce so some part of the money goes to the advertisers and models who did the campaign. If you buy this in a boutique, part of your money goes to the sales assistants too. And so on.

But the most important thing that you did when you made your choice to buy the bag is that you are supporting the creative thoughts that are put into that bag. It's like supporting your favourite singer by buying their original albums.

Another important point is brand recognition. Almost everybody recognises the Louis Vuitton monogram and the value that it is associated with i.e. luxury. This increases the brand's value. Take note that Louis Vuitton has a price increase period every now and then to make their products seem more precious and unattainable (Therefore you can see why they jacked up their prices by 50% in a period of a few years).

Why they are doing so? People will still buy them due to the value of the brand. Another brand that's notorious for their price increase is Chanel. You can check out online resellers for Chanel bags that the pricing for a used one is similar to a brand new one. They hold their value, and if you're lucky enough, your used Chanel bag may even be worth more than the amount you first bought it.

But as a conclusion, after all has been said, the reason why people (and me, of course) like to buy designer goods is because of the quality. I can assure you that a Louis Vuitton Neverfull or a Chanel 2.55 will definitely last and gives you value when you calculate it by cost-per-use. I bought enough bags from high-street brands to realise that my high-street bag will only last a year or two, but my designer item will last me long enough until I feel like selling it away.

Oh, and about fake designer goods? I do know that what they are producing are very, very close to the original items, but the way that the item is made is not up to ethical standards. Child labour, unsanitary working conditions, associations with gangs and such surrounds the production of fake designer goods.

If you are ever, ever tempted to do so, please do not buy a fake designer item. There are a lot more contemporary designers that can fit your budget e.g. Coach and Longchamp, providing quality and easing your wallet.

I'm not trying to promote brands, or having a say in what bag you are using, but different people have different tastes and different ways of using their money. Some people like my father spends a tonne on his fish pond and cars, and I'm saving part of my hard-earned money into buying what I love.

Whichever thing that rocks your boat, folks.

I used to think I hate change. I do not like to accept whatever changes that are going in my life. But it is the only constant. The only thing that will be here forever unchanging is change itself.

There are things that I used to like, or used to do, and I'm now not doing it or liking it. Maybe this part of me is taking a little rest, a little something that is still me, just that it's not the time to manifest itself.

Am I still swearing a lot like I used to? Well, no. I do it for the fun value these days, but nah, I have not been swearing regularly. Am I being more "domestic"? If I do have a house of my own, I actually will. Doing chores, go grocery shopping, that old regular stuff that we all morph ourselves into after college.

But in between these changes, I've discovered something else. I've discovered that I actually like the simple life. I actually love to have a very laidback lifestyle in the 'kampung', with orchards and a clean as well as beautifully decorated stilt-house. Put in a hammock, and internet, oh my, I don't want to leave. Ever. And if I ever have a house of my own, I want to decorate it into my very own oasis and rent out a room on AirBnb.

I have always love travelling and that love will never die inside of me. Going to hotels, booking pretty little guesthouses, browsing hotels on booking.com, and planning trips, it's all quite fun to me.

And I still love to eat. Going on a roadtrip just to eat stuff. Finding buffets to eat stuff. Baking my first cheesecake and gobble it all up. Trust me, if you haven't bake a cheesecake before, you should try it. It's the loveliest thing ever, beating all other cheesecakes out there. Food Foundry cheesecakes suck big time, and I swear my amateur ones taste much better and more original than theirs.

I'm still as enthusiastic as ever, even though I realise I am now a fully-grown man. I can gush over the latest movie, rant how good is this product that I use, and making a big fuss out of stuff that some people just don't matter.

I am now actually INTERESTED to watch Star Wars (I just don't get it before this but right now I really want to try) after Gravity, Lucy, and some other sci-fi movies that I've watched. Not a certified geek, but still is a nerd at heart.

And I discovered I love my friends very much. They are no longer my room mates, my college mates, they are just friends. Some of them I know will follow me through this journey we call life. Some I've known for like 6 years. It's going to be 7 years soon.

I also discovered that I still am placing family as the first priority in my life. When compared to my career, my career is going to take a backseat first. Is this good? Well, considering the fact that when there are three air disasters happening in and around my country, together with the great wall of flood we had this year, family is still first. I love all of them a lot, maybe more than they realise I would.

Another that remains a constant is that I find myself always love to lend a helping hand to anyone who needs it. No matter a stranger or a friend, we all need some help in our lives. We all need some good in it, among all these things that have happened.

Although it's already the third day of this 2015 when I completed this post, I wish all of you a Happy Blessed New Year. May this year bring much joy and happiness to all of you need it, and enough sorrows to keep you thinking how fortunate and lucky you are. 

As in months. Moon. Ah, you'll get it. I bet you do.

Well! My few posts back then was about my last job. And I have since left that poisonous thing alone. I got myself a new one, doing what I do best, which is... writing. And I'm in a totally new environment, but at least I'm much closer now to my friends as well as my bf.

In the time span of that few months, besides changing a job, I had the biggest argument ever with the man that I love. But though it is so, both of us learn something from it. Couples, no matter the ones that conform with society's view, or people like us, is actually the same in essence. There will always be this one thing, one problem, that pesters both of you till no end. Only and if only both parties are willing to tolerate and change for the better, it'll just iron out itself.

We're still very much in love with each other and we want it to stay this way. So, tolerate we shall and change we will. After all, tolerating each other, understanding each other is the glue that keeps a pair together even after all the fireworks fizzle out.

Talking about my current job, I'm very lucky to have found it. My working hours are more flexible and I love what I do. Also, one of the reasons I got this job is because I showed some sample of my writing through this little blog of mine. My boss knows I'm queer and totally cool with it. Ah... Bliss.

My friends are now nearer to me! Now my weekends are spent with them, which is just totally awesome. Stirred some crazy shit up (though not as crazy as before), a surprise weekend roadtrip and surprise brunches too!

Life can get better. I know it will. Never will I return back to the year before. I have so much things that I want to experience and the foremost thing right now is travel. Bali. Koh Lipe. World Cup at Russia for 2018. Sabah. Sarawak. Taiwan. Taman Negara.

Are bears still on the menu? Well, they'll take a backseat for the moment. But my love for them never diminishes. Will I post pics of them? I'll just try to post more interesting bara.

So that's it. If you're still reading my post until here, you're awesome. And your hair looks amazing today.

This year it's totally wrong. I stayed far too long in a job that I didn't like, thinking I could push through for a year and then I could do other things. It's now in ruins.

I dread to go to work everyday, and my mind isn't there even though I may be doing my work. I am speaking to clients and all, but I myself escaped into the vast imaginative space that I created inside my brain. I will find ways to escape; logging on to Facebook, checking out other websites, checking out Jobstreet (which is totally wrong, do not do this at your workplace). I created an excuse for myself saying that I need to de-stress, but I was actually escaping from reality, hoping to go somewhere.

I did this to myself for almost a year. To me, this is very self-destructive. Note to self, please, please follow your own instincts no matter what people may say. Do not go to places that you do not want to go just because people instruct you to do so.

I am so far away from my boyfriend. Even though it never ceases to amaze me that we are only 4 hours apart, but it's enough to break my heart. Whenever Karen Carpenter's song "Merry Christmas Darling" played on air, I get very emotional.

I literally dreamt that we were Christmas-ing on the very morning of Christmas. I'm so sick and tired without him being at my side.  So sick and tired of my job, so sick and tired of all those customer's requests.

I always believe that we have to love what we do, and we need to do what we love. I couldn't love what I'm doing right now, and I couldn't do what I love. I'm just feeling trapped here.

My family isn't helping with the situation. The advice that they gave was "you need to tahan a bit more", "work is like that", "bosses are like that" etc. etc.

NO. BOSSES CAN BE GOOD TO YOU. YOUR CLIENTS CAN BE GOOD TO YOU. THEY CAN APPRECIATE WHAT YOU DO. WORK CAN ACTUALLY BE GOOD TO YOU.

I know because some of the most wonderful jobs that I had, have people that really care, really kind, and really loving to each other.

Thinking back, I was indeed blessed to meet them. And I know I will always be welcomed back with open arms, if I ever choose to go back.

This year is just the worst year ever, even my Christmas was shitty to a certain extent. But I'll make sure no more of this thing next year, no more of this crappy job with a crap load of shit to begin with.


Next year, I'll start anew.

If you read until here, I thank you for lending me your ears. The Anonymous Gay Department will be filled again with steamy hot bears again, soon. Just let me tie up some loose ends in my life and regulate things in order.

What's blatantly shallow but oh-so-good?

I am going to be very sexually explicit with this.

Big dicks to suck on?


Big dicks to ride on?


Watching dicks being sucked?


To those who are into bara manga, these works are from Bami, a Korean bara artist. Korean bears, they do exist!

Have a happy Thursday everyone.

This is one movie that I'd really like to watch.



And I've missed my blog. I guess it's time to write again.

Planting melons under the yellow mountain,

Each and every melon is ripe with seeds.

Pluck one, and you'll benefit all,

Pluck more and they'll wither.

Pluck three, and you'll have to consent with what's left,

Pluck more then take the vines away too!

This is another long story to tell, but I'm going to write it anyway. I have to get it out of my system before it affects me even more.

I went for a short trip back to my hometown because I need to renew my passport. At that time my plan was to renew it and go back to Singapore to find work. As I was passing the Woodlands immigration centre, I was being told that I have only 3 days left in Singapore.

3 days and then I have to get out from there. How to find work in only 3 days?

You see, there is actually a quota for Malaysians going in and out of Singapore under the social visit pass. 60 days is given and once it's up, you have to go back to Malaysia for 30 days before the quota is renewed.

At that point of time, I am at loss for words. Slowly, I feel very depressed, desperate and just plain sad. I even tried calling my friend, asking if his company in Singapore is hiring. There is a position available, but even he turned me away saying that his company is not what it looks like.

"There is a one year contract that binds you if you get the job."

And that whole day after that, Murphy's law just kicked into turbo mode.

I accidentally hit some elderly people with my luggage, my shoe heel broke off (and I did not notice it until  I was at the MRT station), and my laptop died after I accidentally turned it off when it was updating.

But there was a silver lining. My cousin told my mum there is an opening at a local advertising company at my hometown and my mum asked  me to go for the interview.

In the end, I did went for the interview, and I got the job. Starting work after Chinese New Year.

But I also did send some resumes to some companies in KL. I didn't get any reply from them ever since.

We humans can only plan but I believe there are higher powers up there that dictates what we should be doing.

The job that I actually am interested doing is visual merchandising. I have a passion for fashion, so might as well merge it together with the set of skills I am having right now, as a graphic designer.

I want my dream job so badly. So bad that I'm having this negative feeling towards the job that I'm going to do after Chinese New Year.

I want to believe what I read in zenpencils. I want to be the person that can pursue my dreams if money is no object at all.

But with the reality of life laid down in front of me, it's hard. So hard at times that it feels like being punched directly in the face with no questions asked.

I wonder when can I live my own life.

But at least for the moment now, I'm back.

After so long not posting anything, this is an update of me in the that little island down south, if you want to hear me out.

I haven't found a job. It's tough there, so I'm going to implement new strategies in finding one. And I need one big shot of optimism combined with action to combat the depressing thought of not having a job. There are bills I need to pay later this year, which makes it a tough pill to swallow.

I really want to find the job that I love. I don't mind just having enough to make ends meet, but it needs to be something I like to do. I want to believe that I really can make it here. Although I am not interested at all to stay there for long, but at least I want to try out for at least a year before I decide what's best for me.

On the other hand, I've discovered that place actually still has a very decent forest. Which I personally think is close to being impossible. But it's interesting to know that the forest is located at the borders of a golf club. My friend managed to scare some golfers by just popping his head out in between the trees.

How was Christmas for me? It was well spent with my brothers.

How was New Year's day for me? It was well spent at some relative's place.

Will there be any new year resolutions? To find a job that I love.

Oh, and CNY is coming. It's another year here in the Anonymous Gay Department.

It's going to be a very, very tough year ahead. Wish me luck!