Over the Phone

2:16 AM
Another story from the deep recesses of my mind. Enjoy. :)

For reasons more than I could comprehend, my ex is suddenly out of my door for almost half a year. That's 180 days, compared to the 1400 days that we've been together. Is it sad? Is it lonely to be so?

The fan in my room pounded the air with such force, that I was suddenly awaken by the white noise with this idea in my thoughts. I've not been in a relationship for almost six months, my brain repeated.

And to add salt to the wound, this paragraph emerges from the chest of drawers within my head...
Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,
Tears from the depth of some divine despair
Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,
In looking on the happy Autumn-fields,
And thinking of the days that are no more. 

I took a look at my phone. It's fucking 5am. And Lord Alfred Tennyson appeared. Such great timing, brain. Thanks. It's a time for me that's hard to go back to sleep, for fearing I might miss the alarm. And my brain has to do this for me. Thanks again bud. I'll keep you sedated with a pitcher of Long Island Tea next time.

I woke up and turned off the bathroom lights. What greeted me in the mirror is the look of a man, so deep within his emotions and thoughts in the middle of the night. Not exactly a good look. And I need to start my exercise routine. As soon as I could.

Yeah, my jaw looks chiseled, my straight hair tousled, my ribs poking out due to me going on a diet and counting calories. My arms looked better than ever, my chest too. But my abs are still hidden beneath a layer of fat that I so despise, I might trade it off with my limited-edition WOW postcards for Winter Veil, just for a glimpse of it and a 2-second fame on Instagram.

People generally say I look good these days, better than ever before. But is it so? The gay visual perception of themselves is always a few notches behind what people perceive. I find it hard to believe that I was the fat, weird, nerdy kid last time in high school. I still have that part inside me. Heh.


Who's messaging me at this hour?

"Hey, I just want to say I miss you."

Alfie. The guy that I somehow connected with a month ago. It's another missed opportunity in my dating life; Alfie has a boyfriend. And he went back to the United States to continue with his studies. Shows no interest in long distant relationships.

"It's 5am something in Malaysia. Not sure whether should I say good morning or evening. hahaha"

 "You need to do something? Waking up so early?'

"Nope, just waking up suddenly in the middle of pretending to be dead, God knows why."

"Hahaha :) Do you miss me?"

"If I say I'm not, I would be lying to you. I like your company when you're here. :)"

"I miss the mamak stalls. Nothing here compares to it."

I go silent. Yeah, mamak stalls. When you're here, we'll always hang out for cendols, teh tariks, and basically everything that we could get our hands at the mamak stall. It's not the food, it's your company. We enjoyed each other's company so much we basically had a few rounds of stuff just to prolong the conversation.

You, with your dark chocolate skin, bushy eyebrows, the stubbled jaw, and wavy hair that you always attempt to flatten it out on the sides.

Me, taking it all in that handsome face, that slim atheletic build, which I hope to see again next summer holiday.

 "Yeah, of course nothing compares to it."

Two grey ticks. Received, but not yet seen. Must be in class, that boy. As I put my phone down, getting to readjust myself into bed, another buzz came along.

 "I hope our plan to Bangkok is still on. You're coming, right?"

"Yeah, sure. I'll look up the air tickets when I'm free kay?"

"Keep in touch kay? I do miss you, you bugger. :*"

Flirting on the phone again. Old habits never die, especially for Alfie. As I lay my head on my pillow, my head got thinking all the possibilities that could have been, might have been. Ifs. Whys.

And my thoughts lay asunder, with Alfie's face filling in the space. Those lips, softer than the inner petals of a rose. Those hands, thin with sinew but holds a ton in between them. My head is filled with his scent, the scent of cardamoms, the scent of cinnamon, the scent of spices.

The scent of a man over the phone.

Pride And Lies

4:15 AM
*Based on my own experience. Enjoy a short story from me.*

My watch shows it's 11pm. The cafe's almost closed, but he's not replying. I waited patiently as down another cup of black coffee. No sugar.

Should have asked for sugar. But no, the waistline! Such a dilemma. Coffee's not helping. I'm getting even more nervous.


My fingers swiped to see his answer.

"There's nothing wrong with your results, Tom."

"You're sure, Izzu?"

"It's just your hepatitis antibodies getting low. I could give you a jab and a hardcopy of the report on Monday."

My heart lets off a sigh of relief, but my brain is bringing me back to a memory from a year ago.


"Dear, you should get yourself checked. We're in this relationship for four years. Could you at least do this for me? You requested to see my health report when we're together, so now it's your turn to do it."

I sat in his car, fiddling with the seat belt. I've always liked the seat belt. He puts this little padding on it that helps to keep your shirts getting all wrinkly when you're using it. Hmm. Little monkey on a seatbelt.

"Okay, anything for you." I replied half-heartedly. I mean, why should I go get tested? I have been faithful. I'm not like the other guys. I don't have Jackd. I don't have Grindr.  I don't meet other guys! I don't have a gay social life! Why want me go get tested?


"You're tested positive for gonorrhea, Mr Tom."

"Err... You're sure, doctor? I really have been faithful. No other guys."

"You do drugs?"

"No. Of course not."

"You drink?"

"Socially yes, but I don't get myself drunk."

"Maybe you'd like to discuss this with your partner."

The Whatsapp messages flew. Dear is to go the clinic to get tested right away after work. Report came back. He's negative. How could this be? Where have I gotten it?

"You don't have to worry, Mr. Tom. I'll prescribe you a course of antibiotics and a jab. It is most important you get this treated, as having an STI may increase the chances of getting other infections as well as HIV."


We broke up a few months after that. There's nothing now but cordial messages between us, and the occasional Facebook status updates. We didn't unfollow or unfriend each other. We just ignore the streams of photos that our friends tagged us.

Friends. I have a few friends. For benefits, that is.

You have no idea how these men worshipped me. I still get messages from them whenever they're in town. But sometimes it's just so sudden, that I couldn't accommodate them all. There's work and there's family. I couldn't fuck every night, even if I wanted to.

How much has changed. I, the wallflower that refuses to participate in the orgies and fantasies of the gay community, finally succumbed to it, for I, wanting to drown myself in the hedonistic waves, relieving me of this sorrow, this sorrow of breaking up with the first man I've ever loved.

But of course it comes with a price. Condoms are not cheap. Lube is not cheap. Getting tested in a private clinic, in the comfort of an understanding doctor, is not cheap. And that's what happened in the first paragraph. My doctor Whatsapped me my results. Or more like my old flame Whatsapping me my results.

Then, it dawned on me.

For four years, I've been stupid enough to believe a man who says that he is as faithful as I am to him. I got gonorrhea when I am with him.

I got nothing when I practically fucked each and every guy who is sexually compatible with me.  

His pride. And his lies.

Goodbye motherfucker.

It's A Phase

12:42 AM
So yes, I've been hooking up. It's fun when I'm in this phase and many things have happened (refer to my previous two posts), but after some time, I realised that it isn't the real me. It's only one part of me, a small part of who I am. I have nothing against hooking up; we all at some point in our lives are single and lonely and came to realise that it's okay to have a safe fling once or twice. 

When I say that this isn't me, I mean that I somehow arrive at a point where I want to rediscover myself. Rediscovering my real passions, my old hobbies, and being genuinely me. Honesty and being genuine is so hard to find these days, and after a few years in a relationship where I do things in order to please someone else rather than myself, I might as well please myself now. Like baking a whole roasted chicken, by following Jamie Oliver's recipe (with a bit tweaking here and there).

So I'm doing things right now that I feel is best for me. Which includes booking airplane tickets to visit ShangriLa in Yunnan, China. I've never been on an international flight before, and I'm funding myself for this trip of a lifetime (for now at least). Which feels absolutely amazing to be able to do so. 

And as a responsible person, I've decided to get myself tested, just to be sure. I have to do so because I'm that rare 1% that doesn't have any symptoms for gonorrhea (next post would be about this). And I have to thank my sensible brain for reminding me to have safe sex always; there's nothing to worry about in my test results.

I've rediscovered my love for dancing (so stereotypical lol and I've changed from this wallflower to a party animal), just bobbing and moving and swaying to the beat of the club. I went to Taboo and Tantric (the Singapore gay club and bar last weekend; two nights in a row!) and just being myself and have fun. After 4 years being cooped up in a long-term relationship, dancing until 4am in the morning is just thrilling, even though I am alone there. I'm there for the music! Superb selection, all the divas that we love just came blasting on air. You know, when you're gay and have friends that are too, somehow the genre of music that all of you like is similar (oh another idea of a post later).

I've also bought a wonderful Sacoor polo tee, the next best thing to buying a Ralph Lauren or Lacoste, IMHO. The cut and fit is more European, but the details to it are amazing. In the past, I've considered buying it for my ex. Now, I bought it for myself! Couldn't be happier! 

And I finally bought 2(x)ist briefs and a pair of Emporio Armani. And a modern jockstrap from Groovin'. I've just leveled up my underwear game. You want pics? Maybe. Just maybe. ;)