2:27 AM
The other day when I was at work, I got giddy. Not because of alcohol, although I get free wine at times.

It's because among the sea of uncles, there's this few which really shines. Let's call them Men 1 and Men 2.

Men 1 is young, well-dressed, prim and proper. He's wearing this striped shirt in black and green, with slim fit pants. But the most amazing thing about him is his ass. It's defying gravity I tell you.

His built is lean but toned. The shirt and pants fits him like a glove. His looks are not what you think the most attractive, but it's symmetrical enough to be pleasing. His eyes are far apart and dreamy. As in height, he's taller than me by a few centimeters.

Men 2 is middle aged, with a long face and wide jaw. Tanned and rugged, I think he could be older than what his age is. But his shirt is bursting at the seams, because he's sooo damn muscular. His arms are like barrels and the chest? It's a meat pillow.

Wearing jeans and sneakers, but somehow my mind starts to undress him mentally. Aiks, the slut in me.

I literally melted that day because besides both of them, there are also some hot Caucasians around. But I support "barang buatan Asia". So after the giddiness has gone, I started to think.

I really need exercise. Badly. And also a pair of slim fit pants. XD

Looks like in this gay world, nobody can escape vanity.

But to be vain has it's good points. You tend to sleep early out of fear of eyebags. You tend to eat healthily out of fear of obesity. Also, after all the ways you try to keep in good shape, you usually look more pleasing than your counterparts. 

Ain't that a good thing?

The Consequences of Being Mature

2:46 PM
I know I'm 20. Yet my likes and preferences appear to be a 30 year old man.

I love wearing hats. I listen to opera. I frequent the MPO. That's Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra.

I can club, but I prefer not to. My ears got problem when being exposed to loud sounds too long.

I love Shidaiqu, those old songs from Shanghai. I collect porcelain. My whole family does. I love wearing shirts rather than tees. I cannot sing pop songs, I sing songs from the Great American Songbook. And I'm a baritone if ever given an operatic role.

I wear vintage. I love old stuff. And I love my man to be older than me.

But, because I'm only 20 and with all these preferences and likes, I'm judged as "You're too young."

Why couldn't you understand that I'm different? Underneath this skin of mine, is actually an uncle that has a bizarre taste.

Combine it with the vigorous energy of a 20 year old, I know I'm really really weird. And I thought that you being older than me understands this.

I just want to find somebody to love. Is it that hard?

I Think I've Found Him

1:03 AM
I'm not sure. I'm still trying to find out. The phone calls. The sms-es. It makes me feel alive.

And all I can do is pray.

I want to say "I love you" but my heart has been broken each time I tried giving it out. I'm a bit scared to give it out. But deep in my heart, I know that I have fallen, yet again.

The other day when I read the things you wrote, I couldn't sleep. Not because it's disturbing, it's because I feel that somehow, all the guys I've fallen in love with has one criteria.

男人不坏,女人不爱。 但是,男人不坏,男人也不会爱。

For those who I don't know what I'm talking about, it's this:

"Men who are not naughty, women will not be intrigued. But it is also the same for men."

Even one of the actors at my working place exudes that kind of aura, thanks to the character he's portraying. As an added bonus, he's handsome, cute, muscular. He sings quite well too!

And yes, I'm spell bounded. Mesmerized. Not only me, the girls too. But I know how to differentiate eye candy and potential husband, ok?

So, pada budak yang suka sangat kacau saya tentang saya dan dia, tolonglah. You all tahu yang butang ini ditekan akan mengeluarkan suara yang geli dan tidak boleh dicontrol oleh saya. HMMPH!

Anyway, I need to pray more. And more and more and more.

But I do hope this one has a happy ending.