Over the Phone

2:16 AM

Another story from the deep recesses of my mind. Enjoy. :)

For reasons more than I could comprehend, my ex is suddenly out of my door for almost half a year. That's 180 days, compared to the 1400 days that we've been together. Is it sad? Is it lonely to be so?

The fan in my room pounded the air with such force, that I was suddenly awaken by the white noise with this idea in my thoughts. I've not been in a relationship for almost six months, my brain repeated.

And to add salt to the wound, this paragraph emerges from the chest of drawers within my head...

Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,
Tears from the depth of some divine despair
Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,
In looking on the happy Autumn-fields,
And thinking of the days that are no more. 

I took a look at my phone. It's fucking 5am. And Lord Alfred Tennyson appeared. Such great timing, brain. Thanks. It's a time for me that's hard to go back to sleep, for fearing I might miss the alarm. And my brain has to do this for me. Thanks again bud. I'll keep you sedated with a pitcher of Long Island Tea next time.

I woke up and turned off the bathroom lights. What greeted me in the mirror is the look of a man, so deep within his emotions and thoughts in the middle of the night. Not exactly a good look. And I need to start my exercise routine. As soon as I could.

Yeah, my jaw looks chiseled, my straight hair tousled, my ribs poking out due to me going on a diet and counting calories. My arms looked better than ever, my chest too. But my abs are still hidden beneath a layer of fat that I so despise, I might trade it off with my limited-edition WOW postcards for Winter Veil, just for a glimpse of it and a 2-second fame on Instagram.

People generally say I look good these days, better than ever before. But is it so? The gay visual perception of themselves is always a few notches behind what people perceive. I find it hard to believe that I was the fat, weird, nerdy kid last time in high school. I still have that part inside me. Heh.


Who's messaging me at this hour?

"Hey, I just want to say I miss you."

Alfie. The guy that I somehow connected with a month ago. It's another missed opportunity in my dating life; Alfie has a boyfriend. And he went back to the United States to continue with his studies. Shows no interest in long distant relationships.

"It's 5am something in Malaysia. Not sure whether should I say good morning or evening. hahaha"

 "You need to do something? Waking up so early?'

"Nope, just waking up suddenly in the middle of pretending to be dead, God knows why."

"Hahaha :) Do you miss me?"

"If I say I'm not, I would be lying to you. I like your company when you're here. :)"

"I miss the mamak stalls. Nothing here compares to it."

I go silent. Yeah, mamak stalls. When you're here, we'll always hang out for cendols, teh tariks, and basically everything that we could get our hands at the mamak stall. It's not the food, it's your company. We enjoyed each other's company so much we basically had a few rounds of stuff just to prolong the conversation.

You, with your dark chocolate skin, bushy eyebrows, the stubbled jaw, and wavy hair that you always attempt to flatten it out on the sides.

Me, taking it all in that handsome face, that slim atheletic build, which I hope to see again next summer holiday.

 "Yeah, of course nothing compares to it."

Two grey ticks. Received, but not yet seen. Must be in class, that boy. As I put my phone down, getting to readjust myself into bed, another buzz came along.

 "I hope our plan to Bangkok is still on. You're coming, right?"

"Yeah, sure. I'll look up the air tickets when I'm free kay?"

"Keep in touch kay? I do miss you, you bugger. :*"

Flirting on the phone again. Old habits never die, especially for Alfie. As I lay my head on my pillow, my head got thinking all the possibilities that could have been, might have been. Ifs. Whys.

And my thoughts lay asunder, with Alfie's face filling in the space. Those lips, softer than the inner petals of a rose. Those hands, thin with sinew but holds a ton in between them. My head is filled with his scent, the scent of cardamoms, the scent of cinnamon, the scent of spices.

The scent of a man over the phone.

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