It has been 2 months since we've broken off. To make matters worse, he was the one asking for the separation on our anniversary dinner. It hurts.

I asked him why. His excuse? He said that he has depression. It's affecting him the way he perceive love. Before that, there were lots of others. Not sure of what he wants, complaining about the way I look, our expectations don't match, frustrated of seeing no change, and many other excuses that I stopped counting anyway.

I love him. Yes, I still do. I did not delete his Facebook, Instagram, phone number, and photos, nor did I throw away the many gifts he gave me. There's too much. How do you throw it out? How do you get rid of a rose that has turned into a thorn in your life for 4 years?

He also mentioned the moment his feelings for me started to change 2 years ago. I've wasted 2 years of my time not knowing and in the dark, waiting for some kind of a change to our relationship. And it turned out to be far from my dreams. On the other hand, I acknowledge he has wasted this much time too. He's also hurt and feeling the same way as I do. I still couldn't comprehend why he choose not to tell me his feelings. Is it because there's someone else? I truly think there is, no matter how much he denies it. And I think I know who is it anyway.

I quit my job in KL and came back to my hometown. Partly was because my boss isn't paying me, but on the other hand, even before we broke up, there's something deep inside of me, telling me it's not going to last. I might as well pack up my bags and head home to heal.

And yes, I've got a lot of sexual healing. I have my one-afternoon-stands, my bisexual fuck buddy, my precious friend, my webcam sessions, my maybe-can-be-boyfriend friend, my bottoms, and my tops. Each of them are just so nice to talk to (minus the one-afternoon-stands; just finding me for a quick fuck) and some I know can be my wonderful friends to keep, as long as I'm here.

I used to frown upon sluts, but now I'm the slut. Karma get backs to you anyway. So be careful about what you say, lest it happens to you. Still, I'm happy being a slut. I'm appreciated for my personality, my looks, and I look sexy in all the eyes of these men. Not to say I have a low self-esteem, but it's a wonderful boost of ego. Much much better than when I'm with my boyfriend.

Guess I'm gonna be single for a while, till I'm fedup being blocked, or treated like a sex toy. But right now, I'm having sex everywhere. People's workplace, in my car, at the beach, at the carpark, everywhere! I like to try everything. But I'm not doing chem fun, not even poppers. Though one of the guys that I hook up with likes it so much.

Guess that's how it feels being sexually liberated. Oh and another thing? I like Malays. Nice cocks and the attitude is perfect for non-permanent relations. Fuck 2 or 3 times then move on the next one. Lovely.

P/S: Safe fun always. I found out the most reliable one is still Durex. The least comfortable one is Playsafe. Gets loose very easily.

One of the things that my DH needs me to do this year in my resolution list is :GET RID OF MY TUMMY.

He says it's for my own health, but of course I don't believe him. And you know what comes out of him in the end?

He says it's because he wants me to look good when placed near him, wants me to look good for sexy times, and also as a match to his expectations of his partner.

If I'm a woman, I'll definitely won't talk to him for a month. But I do realise that after all, all of us gay creatures are visually impaired. We only look for physical qualities and standards that we define as "handsome", "cute" or whatever terms that you may use to define attractiveness.

You may say that you're only looking at personality when finding a partner, but subconsciously we are all engineered and geared towards finding beauty. We're that blinded, or I say visually impaired when it comes to this.

That's why there's the Kelana Jaya pool, that's why there's TF, and all these cruisy spots. It exists and feeds into our subconscious into finding beauty, finding qualities that we like.

Is it something bad? To me, it's just eye candy. I don't mind if my man is flabby, and better still if he's bear-like. It's not an obsession, it's a passing fad.

But to my DH it's borderline obsession. Should I agree to his wishes? Should I do whatever I want? Should I agree to get toned? Not that I wouldn't look great in clothes, or naked for that matter.

Then we agree to terms that I am looking leaner than last year, and it takes time to actually match his expectations. I'll just put that matter to rest for now.

One thing still rings true: I still love him no matter what. To change for my man, well, if it benefit both ways why wouldn't I do it.

(Today's post is a short story inspired by all the things happening around me this week. As usual, I like to write short stories that are filled with love. Nothing naughty here though. :P)

Run. Run. Run.

All I can hear is these 3 words inside my head.

It's all coming to an end.

"What does it mean when all things are not the way it seems?"

Run. Run. Run.

"What does it mean when your life shows such a monotonous tone that you start to hate it admist all the comfort that you can have?"

Comfort doesn't equate to happiness.

"One should plan beforehand. It's like banging your head to a tree with no helmet on!"

You don't understand.

As a kid, I always remember that I love Disney's version of "The Jungle Book" very much. My grandma bought me the VHS tape and the storybook that comes with it. I love Baloo. Baloo doesn't have to go to school, Baloo doesn't have to do homework, Baloo doesn't need baths!

Baloo only needs the bare necessities.

You know those small little things that annoys you, yet it's not enough to make you fuming with anger?

Like leaving the toilet seat open. Or squeezing the middle part of a toothpaste.

Worse still, having a dry throat, kissed your boyfriend, then messaged him that it's a strep throat, with another message saying "I hope you don't get it".

That totally sounds like an irresponsible, selfish and naive person. And I'm the irresponsible, selfish and naive person.

After I realised what I did, I was like "WHAT IN THE FARKING HELL DID I DO.........." (please insert poker face here). Sometimes I can be so honest with my words that I take no effort to do any kind of censorship.

He's totally annoyed and worried about my throat. I feel like I'm the worst boyfriend he can ever have.

But on the other hand, it really showed how comfortable I am with him by exposing how terrible I can be at times. And yet, he still cares so much.

I'm sorry my swan prince. It is from experience we learn and I promise there'll be nothing like this ever again.

It's only half a year, but I really do want to rush to Tiffany's, buy a ring, then beg him on my knees to marry me.


P/S: Oh, and a nice wedding band at Tiffany's in rose gold (with the "Tiffany & Co" lettering and a few miniature diamonds) will set you back around RM3030 for one.

Usually I give no shit about Valentine's Day. Well, that's when I was single. I wasn't condemning it or purposely did something to remind me about my single life. So, it was another normal day like any day of the year.

But this year, it's another reason to celebrate something because of my swan prince. This is really my first celebration of Valentine's Day.

We went to TGIF at Pavilion's and had the Valentine's dinner menu that they're having. The mains and desserts are not bad at all. One thing certainly stands out though, which is their brownie with chocolate fudge and vanilla ice-cream. Tastes like heaven and oh-so-sinful.

But something certainly rings true. The price for that dinner can certainly buy us a better dinner downstairs at Michelangelo's. On normal days, that is.

Well, with RM25 per stalk of rose and RM69.90 for a small size teddy bear, Valentine's Day is just another product of commercialisation. So we had our first experience of a commercial Valentine's Day and it'll be our last too. It's just not worth your ringgit. I think that doing something more personal on that day is a much smarter choice. And it's a better effort of showing your love to your loved ones.

But Valentine's Day is certainly not limited to couples. Love certainly exists between your family and friends too! The day is about celebrating love itself, so to all single people, take it as a day to express your love towards people around you. You certainly don't need to condemn it or whine about it. Do something positive!

I wish all of you out there, no matter single, married, in a relationship or complicated circumstances, have an endless supply of love. Love certainly does not need to be celebrated for only a day. :)

For those who love, time is eternity. - Henry Van Dyke

I keep on fiddling with the ring on my finger.

In response to Calvin's blog post, here's my dua sen on the topic:

"I'm gay because I like men, not men who act like girls."

I think the above statement is already contradicting. It's like saying "I'm a straight-acting gay." What is a straight-acting gay? Is there a concrete set of rules to define a straight-acting gay man?

I think no matter you're a top or a bottom or a versatile, being gay to me means you are already in touch with your feminine side, one way or another. Then when being in touch with your feminine side, you are acting like a girl, i.e. being in touch with your feelings, being extremely bitchy, being fucked, saying that you have a mangina, etc. etc.

So, is it that important to be seen with straight-acting gays and NOT seen with effeminate men?

I think if we actually make this into a debate, speaking about it for 1001 nights will not even solve it. The only way we can find some logic in this whole grey area is to do away with labels that are not constructive to the well-being of a person and even more confusing to begin with!

About one of the comments in Calvin's blog post, which is from ItuAnjingBetina, the blogger says,"and no I don't think people would go to the extend of discriminating sissies just to be discreet when it comes to serious relationships."

Well, think again. My boyfriend is really an effeminate man and he has stories about how he's being toyed around by his exes and when it starts to get serious, they dump him. Why?

Because he is an effeminate man.

This post here is not only about standing up against the discrimination of sissies but to remind you that we are already being discriminated in the eyes of our law. Do we have to turn against ourselves and amplify the damage that has already been done?

United we stand, divided we fall. Just my dua sen. And if you don't like what you're reading, then you won't read until here.

PS: We all appreciate brawn and Greek-god sculpted physiques, but when it comes to finding love, don't limit yourself to only one place.

And here is an inspiring article from Single Dad Laughing, entitled I'm Christian, Unless You're Gay. It's all about how we extend love towards those who needs it and end this label thingy once an for all.

I have to write this down to get it off my chest.

Just now had dinner with the boyfriend. As we were walking to the carpark, we pass by a restaurant which has an alfresco dining area. And there sat a vey fat and quite ugly guy with his bunch of friends. As we pass him by, I heard a snicker from him.

Then I heard, "Gay geh."

If you don't know Cantonese, it means "Gay one".

All this while I am in PJ, in this big city called KL, never have I encountered something this negative about my sexuality. If you haven't read my previous post before, let me tell you that I am a lucky gay man, being accepted by my immediate family, friends and colleagues.
But what about to those who don't? To those who are still in the closet?

This is not only an issue that matters to me. It matters to all gay men out there. But more importantly, because of this, I have something to say to our Malaysian gay fellows.

To those who are in the closet, living in fear, remember, it will get better. But also do remember it will get worse before it does. Stay strong. If you could not stand the pressure, find a support group. There are blogs like these where you can make connections. Forums too. And there is always PT Foundation and Oogachaga.

To those who are comfortable with who they are, spend some time in supporting local events like Seksualiti Merdeka. You don't have to be at Pinkdot like I do, but just leave an hour or two to attend such local events that educates the public about who we really are. If you're game for it, why not bring some friends along too.

If we want change, we have to be the change. United we stand, divided we fall.


P/S: My boyfriend stood up for me. Oh yes he did. 

So, it has been 3 weeks since I've written anything.

And these 3 weeks I spent lots of time with the swan prince aka boyfriend. And when I say lots, I mean lots. We literally see each other every day.

So, how is it so far?

Considering the fact that we have known each other for like 2 months and a half, things are surprisingly good!
We only touched on the sexual side when we are 2 months in the relationship. And honestly speaking, it's very rare in the gay world.

He's 8 years older than me, working in the luxury retail industry. He's a good man with a good heart and treats me well. That's all that matters to me. But if you ask me why do I fall in love with the man I love right now, the only answer I will give you is just "Because."

Though it is so, fate and chemistry plays a role here. Thank you God for sending someone right at the right time.

I believe that this will be a very long journey for him and me. Things are stabilising and we're starting to talk about the possible future; me going to Singapore finding work and how we'll manage that, having a place of our own, the usual couple talk.

We even do sleepovers, just me and him, cuddling in each others arms to sleep. You may think it'll lead to something sexual, but hey, having control and restrain for the right timing is even more wonderful.

And all those things I used to read on the net; coffee at Starbucks as a couple, orange mouthwash mint flavoured kiss, going to breakfast together; it all came true. True as it can be.

I just have to give thanks to God for sending him my way. I love my man. Forever.

Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom, there lived The Swan Prince.

The Swan Prince is what his name is. Smooth, fair skin; very tall, handsome, graceful and a gentleman. With a more effeminate attitude to match.

Having 4 previous relationships, The Swan Prince gave up on love, for he almost found what he searched, but the same thing happened all over again.

And in the same kingdom, there lived The Ugly Duckling. Although he is growing up to be a swan, he had been ridiculed by his friends, reminding him of his ugly past, which he keeps it in a form of a photogram in his money pouch.

The Ugly Duckling was also searching for his one true love. It never came to him. Having endless courtships and infatuations, he decided one fine day to be happy with himself and let love find him when the time comes, as it should be.

On one silent night, as The Ugly Duckling goes through The List, where people usually hope to find love enlist themselves on The List, he came across The Swan Prince.

It doesn't occur to him at that moment that The Swan Prince could be his one true love, and as usual procedures in people who are on The List, they send little messages to each other, as to get to know each other better.

Eventually, they came out and met each other. They talked. And talked. And talked.

This went on for a few weeks. They were talking about each others battle scars, the most expensive armor in the world, and even women's most fashionable medieval accessories.

It got to a point where the topic of relationships came out, and a hypothesis was created, whereby if a partner is willing to wait for his one true love, what is the answer shall be?

The Ugly Duckling answered, "If my one true love is willing to wait for me, he places me on a very high value, the value of time itself."

"I would say yes. And I am willing to wait together with my one true love."

The Swan Prince is baffled with his answer. Never before has he seen somebody with such a degree of articulation, well-spoken, and certainly knows what he wants.

And he sincerely asked The Ugly Duckling, "I am willing to be the one to wait for you."

The Ugly Duckling was in awe at that time. Never before has he been asked before, and never before he has someone confiding his sincere feelings.

So dumbstruck that The Ugly Duckling was; he wanted to say "Yes" but no voice came out from his mouth, although deep in his heart, the little blossoms of love begins to bloom.

In the end, he reached for his necklace, where he placed two rings. The rings are from his mother, meant to be given one of them to his one true love. He took one out and placed it in front of The Swan Prince.




And from there, The Ugly Duckling is very sure that he has found his one true love.

They may not live together happily ever after, as in what they do in fairytales, but The Ugly Duckling certainly knows one thing for certain.

The Swan Prince will always be the first one who took his heart away.

Two less lonely people in the world
And its gonna be fine
Out of all the people in the world
I just can't believe you're mine
In my life where everything was wrong
Something finally went right
Now there's two less lonely people
In the world.....Tonight.


Thank you for loving me so so so much. :))))