The Kind Of Happiness That Only Exists In My Mind

2:03 AM

I know. I'm contradicting myself. One time I will say "Who needs a boyfriend?"

And then right after that, I'll find myself feeling a bit empty, devoid of human emotions, as if everything that I love must and needs to come from cash, bags and a walk-in-wardrobe.

Then, when I really think hard, I really do not need all these stuff. At the end of the day, I couldn't be bringing Louis Vuittons or Chanel or YSL or Dior together into my coffin.

Dressed in Chanel while you lay down there in that box? That's like... glamorous? Until the day I die???

I'll leave that to you. Food for thought, as Shelah says.

But anyway, after that I-do-not-need-bags-branded-stuff issue, comes another one. I will find myself longing for a long-term-relationship a.k.a partner a.k.a boyfriend. I think this is because I tried to replace an LTR with Gucci (due to failures) but in the end, it's not working.

You know, the reason why I long for one is not because I'll'-be-happy-with-a-bf. It certainly does not work that way.

It's because I'm searching for that elusive connection. It's because a partner is like the most best friend of all where both of you can talk everything under the sun and all your secrets are poured into him and his to yours.

Also, when there is the time where you just need somebody to hug and kiss and to tell you "Everything's gonna be alright" when everything really isn't, he's there for you.

Your parents are not gonna be here forever. What do you have when they leave you? Your brothers or sisters? That is if you're on good terms with them. But what if you don't? (Not to say mine is bad, my brothers and me are really wonderful)

This is also tied down with the issue of old age. You are not Forever 21, no, you are not a fashion label. You are not going to be always clubbing at MP during the weekends. Even alcohol and dancing needs to be within a limit.

And certainly, ONS is ONS, fuck buddies are fuck buddies. Who wants you when you're an old prune? (This is why I don't ONS or have FBs. I rather wait)

And thus, an LTR is certainly every gay man's dream. Me included.

So when you have such a healthy and wonderful relationship, happiness is assured. It comes from within. It does not come together all bundled up with a six-pack and pecs guy.

No, it comes from the love that you have for each other and the wonderful relationship that is an LTR. Hence, it comes from within.

And no, I don't want an open relationship. Might as well have a fuck buddy then.

I just want to have some very simple happiness. I don't care whether he's rich or poor, I don't care how he might look today and yesterday, I don't care what are his wrongdoings in the past. Because I know there is no Mr Perfect or Mr Right.

Though I have a criteria. Simple criteria.

He needs to take good care of himself, have a good job, decent in education and makes me laugh even with the simplest gestures.

You know, when it comes to love, I do believe in "attraction at first sight". But I don't deny that sometimes, it's all "start by being friends".

Godspeed, my other half. Godspeed. I wonder where in the world are you.

As for now, it only exists in my mind.

Only in my mind.

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