There’s a saying old, says that love is blind
Still we’re often told, "seek and ye shall find"
So I’m going to seek a certain lad I’ve had in mind

Looking everywhere, haven’t found him yet
He’s the big affair I cannot forget
Only man I ever think of with regret

I’d like to add his initial to my monogram
Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb?

There’s a somebody I’m longin’ to see
I hope that he, turns out to be
Someone who’ll watch over me

I’m a little lamb who’s lost in the wood
I know I could, always be good
To one who’ll watch over me

Although he may not be the man some
Girls think of as handsome
To my heart he carries the key

Won’t you tell him please to put on some speed
Follow my lead, oh, how I need
Someone to watch over me

Imagine that you find yourself waking up in a 5 star hotel, with a room that's bigger than your own. The bathroom has separate sections tiled with Italian marble and a giant mirror to feed the narcissistic creature in you.

The bed linens are soft, pillows are of down and the mattresses are warm. And you're only in a bathrobe that is so fluffy, making your insides all warm and fuzzy.

It's only 7.20am. Then you opened up the jacquard curtains that shielded the giant floor-to-ceiling window, letting in a stream of golden sunlight that touches the luxurious bed.

After a brush and wash, you find a copy of that day's newspaper hung on the front door. You picked it up, scanned the headlines, and then make yourself a cup of tea, with selected tea leaves that ain't what you taste at the mamak.

Pick up the tea, head to bed, lie down reading newspaper. Then you turned on the 50" LCD Samsung TV, tuning into whatever channel that you like.

That's what I had at the Ritz-Carlton the other day. Ain't no imagination, ya know!

Thank you so much, Aunty! I LVOe you!!

OHHH MMMMYYY GAAWWWDD

My aunt is coming here tomorrow by plane, will reach here at about noon. It's one of her business trips, so her company is sponsoring the hotel. Last time, it was Shangri- La. That one was FAAAABB!!!

Now, it's Ritz-Carlton. MORE FAAABB!!!!

Why? At around 5 blocks away, it's a shopping paradise.

GUCCI. LOUIS VUITTON. CHANEL.

I am emotionally at heaven!!! And during this Christmas time, with all those sales and decorations and window displays, it's even MOORREEE FAAABBB!!!

Where's my DSLR??  CAMWHORE!!

This is so so so goooood... The next best thing to sex is retail therapy. :)

Today I was surfing around Fridae (if you're gay and don't have one, go get one) and notice this new thing from Fridae Labs called Fresh.

To me, it's a bit salah you know because what it does is showing all the updated pics and profiles of whoever is on Fridae at that moment.

More like fresh meat. And indeed there are lots of fresh meat! I'm not feasting anytime soon, but at least the eyes are washed thoroughly. Hehe...

But seriously, if all those gay profile websites can do a clean look out of their GUIs like what Fridae did, it really will make life a bit easier. Axcest looks trashy with those ads all over the place. I'm talking from a designer point of view. But whatever rocks your boat.

Thinking about fresh meat, I'm reminded of that market again. 'Cause that market got raided yesterday. Was having thoughts about celebrating my birthday there but on second thought, maybe not. I was actually planning to bring my straight friends over but better be safe than sorry.

So, it's going to be a lone venture to the market of meats and more meats. Such a tantalizing escapade. Not going to buy anything back home, just window shopping will do.

Because what I'm searching for right now has more value in this world than money can buy. ;) 

I mean the song. Big dicks? Hmmm... A good one in size is sufficient. Would like it more to see it in function. Hahaha...

Ok, this post is very chap pa lang. That means rojak. Or to be clearer, salad. A bit of everything. Hahaha...

First up, underwear. The most essential thing in a gay man's closet. There's so much to choose from, with all kinds of design, all kinds of material and comes in colours of the rainbow. G-string, bikini briefs, boxers, jockstrap, you name it, they probably have it manufactured right at this moment. My favourite? Boxer briefs. Because they're so secure and can mould your ass and packages into those lustful shapes and sizes. Slut in me. :P

The other day while I was walking in Times Square I suddenly pass by this shop selling men's underwear. It's called Club 86 and you can find them on facebook. Definitely targeting the pink market, because there are all kinds of stuff you can find there. And then there's this boxer brief, pink and grey, with a big "Tom and Jerry" wording plastered on the butt. Definitely cheeky and wonderful gift for fans of "Tom and Jerry"! I'm one. Hahaha.. But that piece costs RM30, which is a premium. I'm not so sure about the quality, but having it can be a priceless experience. To me at least.

And why gay related stuff needs to be related to studios and clubs? We have the Studio 89 in PJ for fun and now Club 86. Guess we are party animals inside, even me. I enjoy ocassional loud head banging music and alcohol. Add beautiful men in the mix, OMG. No wonder Marketplace is full everytime.

Second, Philosophy. No, not Aristotles or Plato, but Philosophy Men, a clothing brand which is targeted at the pink market too. Price is definitely not cheap, even two t-shirts can cause RM100+ damage to the wallet. But what's worth looking here are designer brands which they stock up a little. From Calvin Klein handkerchiefs to Lacoste sneakers to Private Structure underwear, it's a gay man's closet heaven, if you have the money. Philosophy Men is a local brand under Salabianca, so it's worth checking out the designs there.

Compared to shopping at Calvin Klein or DKNY or even Zara, it's much much fun in terms of fashion.  Check out their latest designs here at http://www.philosophy-men.com/.

I even bought a little something from them within my means. ;)

Third, thorns. Here, it's breaking promises. If you do not have the means or ways to promise somebody something, then don't. Broken promises are acts of mistrust, because there's the unwritten rule of trust when you make a promise. When you break it, it's breaking the trust that the other party has given you.

And broken promises are like thorns to me.


P/S: My gaydar was tingling like mad when I walked into Philosophy today. Obviously. Hehehe... 

I am in one now. Haish.

I still have not finish a lot of things, but just to get it off my chest first.

To you, I apologise. Because I can be so straight at times and so irritating. Say "yes" but do "no". You get what I mean.

To tell the truth, I talk loud and I'm exceptionally well at being boisterous. In actions, in clothes and other stuff. It irritates people at time, so I'll learn how to tone it down. Oh, and I'm such a grandma at times. I'll tone that down too. And I think too much!! TONE THAT DOWN, PLEASE!

Next week will be our second meet-up. This time, it's the movies. Can I call it a date? Let's see how things go first. And this is the first time I'm going to the movies with somebody that I like.  :)

I just hope I won't stutter or do anything else silly. The last time we met I feel like a dumbo.

Because all I see is you and nobody else.  

I guess I'm just thinking too much during my last post. Let's put this in a better perspective, shall we?



I know that you're busy. Incredibly busy. I know your contract ends this end of year, but for now, there are like a million things on your list.

I tried finding you to chat. It usually ends abruptly, but gives me incredible satisfaction, knowing that as busy as you are, at least you still remember me.

I do not know do you think of me always, but for me, I do.

The sms-es I send these days are without any reply from you and I understand. But I don't mind sending them. It's the one way that I can somehow relay these thoughts in my head to you.

It's been sometime since you called. I miss your voice.

I remember that time when I got off from your car and I got that sweet smile which is so elusive to me. It's like a piece of photograph in my head, where I take out at times to have a look at. I miss your smile.

I may seem cool and joke around, but the truth is, this feeling is growing. One way or another.

I miss you so so much.

I wish I'm in your arms right now.

Just cuddling and falling into sleep.

And wake up to find you with your sweet, sweet smile.  

This isn't about that Lady Gaga song, though I do like some of her songs, especially Speechless. What else can I mean when you have that title above? Living in the capital of sin city isn't helping much to this angelic soul here who is tempted by the forbidden fruits appearing everywhere, including inside the monorail.

Anyway, they're suddenly appearing everywhere, like mushrooms after a rainstorm. I usually don't see my type on the streets but it's not the same now. What had happened?

And recounting the fact that I somehow got rubbed by a stranger inside a jam packed monorail. It's only on the arm, not the other part. Though not my type, he's cute, nice butt and smartly dressed for the office. My gaydar is not tingling, so I guess he's straight or either he's straight acting. Because besides me, there's also this well-dressed uncle who keeps such a close distance with him I keep thinking that they're going to kiss.

Then yesterday another one just passed by me and keep on smiling at me. What the...? I'm like a drunkard in the morning and this happened when I was dragging myself out to class. Do I look sexy when I'm a drunkard??

But even after all the attention I got from this passing strangers, nothing can compare to getting the attention from him. Which is like once in a blue moon. What have I done? Did I do anything wrong?

I really thought that those 3 months can really mean something but I think it's going to take longer than that. I'm busy, he's even busier. And admist all these business, I try to keep contact, tried to chat with him but it seems like he's avoiding me or something. Nowadays he doesn't even bother to reply my sms-es.

If you don't want me to bother you, say so. I'll stop. It's not healthy having such emotions and feeling like a stalker at all times. I tried giving you space, but the more I give, the colder you became. Haiz...

Being busy is not an excuse if you really want it to work. I bet you know this. I guess I'm not on the top of your list after all.

Sending out a message to the universe.

Gay boy here, in 20's, seeking for somebody who understands him for who he is.

Can cook great spaghetti, coleslaw, salads and ginger onion chicken.  Also can whip up the occasional cookies and butter cakes for festivities.

Knows how to do chores such as ironing, sweeping and mopping. Knows how to fix simple broken things around the house. Knows feng shui and decor.

Can paint a fresco when he has the time because he had done so for the kitchen in his house. Can and able to maintain a small garden and fountain, since his grandmother had taught him how to.

Can dress up well for events and important meetings. Clean shaven and goes through occasional expensive haircuts. Is going through a regime of exercises now and it shows.

May not give the best sex ever, but is willing to learn from books and porn.

Is a great listener and has a very logical thinking on solving problems. Has a more mature thinking than his age.

He has only one request, that is honesty and trust from the somebody out there who truly understands him.

Although he may be this good, but hell hath no fury like a scorned gay bitch. Hurt him and you'll go to hell.



 

I almost did it today. Almost.


Why do I say so? Well, it's like 7.20pm when I'm in the pool. There's no one around. (I wear my watch while swimming)

So the slut in me came out. I took off my speedo until my ankles. And I feel...

Free. Naked. Sexy. Horny. Wooo......

And the little brother starts to point north. OMG.

Then suddenly there's this couple came into the pool area! Thank God I'm at the deep end. Dive back in to the blackness and wear back my speedo.

One fantasy relieved. And may do so again. Kihihihihi....

Slut in me, slut in me.

Blame it on the raging hormones. (I'm not joking, there's actually a book with this title. Go to Eric's blog and check it out. It's here.)

'Till the other post arrives. :)

You got me hooked.

And then you said you "have 10 ex bfs and some experiments". 

You said you may not be able to give me what I seek.

Well, mister, you started it, you better continue. Because I don't give a damn.

Or else I'll end what you have started.

And it better be a happy ending.


You old fox. :-P

I'm sending this out to the universe.

I wish that it will come at the right time, the right place and the right everything.

I will maintain a positive attitude in order for this to happen.

I will go with the flow, but if there's a chance to turn, I'll pick it up.

I'm doing this because I want an answer.

Because I'm tired of waiting for one, searching for one.

It's time to take it in my hands.

I need some love in my life.

And I do hope that you are there for me.


希望我有个难忘的初恋情人。

The other day I met him. It was really a first time experience. I have never met anyone using such a method before. And I think I look stupid in his eyes. He kind of reminds me my very intelligent ex-uncle.

But what was I feeling after that? I don't know. I'm confused. It's like, "Is he for real?" "How can things be so smooth?" "What will this lead to?"

They say this kind of feeling only come once in your lifetime. I'm just recording it down.

And somehow the lyrics in this songs plays with the emotions in my heart.

Sean Ghazi's, Hujan Di Tengah Hari.



Ku sangka panas hingga ke petang...

Rupanya hujan... di tengah hari.

The other day when I was at work, I got giddy. Not because of alcohol, although I get free wine at times.

It's because among the sea of uncles, there's this few which really shines. Let's call them Men 1 and Men 2.

Men 1 is young, well-dressed, prim and proper. He's wearing this striped shirt in black and green, with slim fit pants. But the most amazing thing about him is his ass. It's defying gravity I tell you.

His built is lean but toned. The shirt and pants fits him like a glove. His looks are not what you think the most attractive, but it's symmetrical enough to be pleasing. His eyes are far apart and dreamy. As in height, he's taller than me by a few centimeters.

Men 2 is middle aged, with a long face and wide jaw. Tanned and rugged, I think he could be older than what his age is. But his shirt is bursting at the seams, because he's sooo damn muscular. His arms are like barrels and the chest? It's a meat pillow.

Wearing jeans and sneakers, but somehow my mind starts to undress him mentally. Aiks, the slut in me.

I literally melted that day because besides both of them, there are also some hot Caucasians around. But I support "barang buatan Asia". So after the giddiness has gone, I started to think.

I really need exercise. Badly. And also a pair of slim fit pants. XD

Looks like in this gay world, nobody can escape vanity.

But to be vain has it's good points. You tend to sleep early out of fear of eyebags. You tend to eat healthily out of fear of obesity. Also, after all the ways you try to keep in good shape, you usually look more pleasing than your counterparts. 

Ain't that a good thing?

I know I'm 20. Yet my likes and preferences appear to be a 30 year old man.

I love wearing hats. I listen to opera. I frequent the MPO. That's Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra.

I can club, but I prefer not to. My ears got problem when being exposed to loud sounds too long.

I love Shidaiqu, those old songs from Shanghai. I collect porcelain. My whole family does. I love wearing shirts rather than tees. I cannot sing pop songs, I sing songs from the Great American Songbook. And I'm a baritone if ever given an operatic role.

I wear vintage. I love old stuff. And I love my man to be older than me.

But, because I'm only 20 and with all these preferences and likes, I'm judged as "You're too young."

Why couldn't you understand that I'm different? Underneath this skin of mine, is actually an uncle that has a bizarre taste.

Combine it with the vigorous energy of a 20 year old, I know I'm really really weird. And I thought that you being older than me understands this.

I just want to find somebody to love. Is it that hard?

I'm not sure. I'm still trying to find out. The phone calls. The sms-es. It makes me feel alive.

And all I can do is pray.

I want to say "I love you" but my heart has been broken each time I tried giving it out. I'm a bit scared to give it out. But deep in my heart, I know that I have fallen, yet again.

The other day when I read the things you wrote, I couldn't sleep. Not because it's disturbing, it's because I feel that somehow, all the guys I've fallen in love with has one criteria.

男人不坏，女人不爱。 但是，男人不坏，男人也不会爱。

For those who I don't know what I'm talking about, it's this:

"Men who are not naughty, women will not be intrigued. But it is also the same for men."

Even one of the actors at my working place exudes that kind of aura, thanks to the character he's portraying. As an added bonus, he's handsome, cute, muscular. He sings quite well too!

And yes, I'm spell bounded. Mesmerized. Not only me, the girls too. But I know how to differentiate eye candy and potential husband, ok?

So, pada budak yang suka sangat kacau saya tentang saya dan dia, tolonglah. You all tahu yang butang ini ditekan akan mengeluarkan suara yang geli dan tidak boleh dicontrol oleh saya. HMMPH!

Anyway, I need to pray more. And more and more and more.

But I do hope this one has a happy ending.

The "gay" here is "happy". Because my deadlines are finished and I'm having the time of my life!

So I'm spending time gorging myself with food, I'm so under-nourished last week. Also having a great time reading all those gay comics that I found on net.

It's not those bara or porn types, but I love to read those too. Some of them can be so damn romantic! 

Anyway, I'm here to share some of them that I like.

Adam & Andy, by James Asal - If you have the money, order the book. It's really a good comic strip!

Finn and Charlie Are Hitched, by Tony Breed - Another lovey dovey couple story.

Bear With Me, by Bruin - Full of furry bears.

Viking Zombie Boyfriend, by Jeremy Rizza - Another hairy beary comic strip.

Top To Bottom, by Renita Jenkins - Crazy crazy crazy gay men. Read this from the start so you'll know what's going on. So drama!

Abel Boddy - Studs. And a... You'll have to read it and see for yourself.


Most strips here are updated by Monday or Tuesday.

That's all for now.


P/S: Cello Boy found me on Facebook. Hehehehe...

 

It's now 5.40am in the morning here, I'm doing assignments in the middle of my study week.

And suddenly I have this fire burning inside of me. This fire that cannot be doused with any water or fire extinguisher.

I need to get it extinguished soon, or the consequences will be bad.

If you're guessing the other thing, yes. I am horny. There, I've said it!

So in the mean time, some wonderful illustrations by illustrator, Mr. J Bone.





And last one from Jiraiya. I love his artwork! Men can be so perfect through his eyes...


And that's about it. Back to work!


P/S: If only I have a dog to accompany with and nice tighty whities. I'm now sharing a room so have to wear shorts to sleep. Which I start to get bored with. Sleeping in undies are the best!

I saw this amazing guy at a school event.

He's way taller than me, a bear, which translates into adorable chubbiness. He may not have the most wonderful complexion, but one thing he has and lots of it.

He has talent. He can sing opera, the bass and baritone kind, and he sings pop songs. It's such a wonder to hear such a voice coming out from him. He plays the keyboard by ear, reads scores and play a few Chinese musical instruments too.

Most of all, he's playing the cello that day. So I shall call him Cello Boy.

And I just stare at him all day. Really. His playing is filled with emotions and I can see his enthusiasm.

Another thing is that he was singing this song (I forgot what is it) and he just look into my eyes.

I melted. HAHAHAHAH

Unfortunately, my gaydar told me he's not one of us. Or is my gaydar has gone faulty? (It's been sometime since I activated it...)

Anyway, it's such a pleasure that I can look at someone for so long and he doesn't mind it at all. Heheh...

Till we meet again, Cello Boy.





















P/S: It's not the most amazing illustration, but I tried my best.

I'm always ranting about not having a relationship/partner, which I think at this age of mine is quite impossible for a gay guy. And if you define virginity as in not getting plowed, I am a virgin. (I got sucked once, but that's a long story.)

Oh, and I'm a bottom. Nuff said.

So, in the midst of going through all those profiles at fridae, something hit me.

What is it that I seek? Why do I go through this process? Is it because I don't feel whole? I'm inadequate, or so to speak?

Inspired by Davey Wavey, I started to ask these questions myself.

Davey here said that we are born whole, and therefore we really should learn how to appreciate this wholeness, rather than seeking it out somewhere else.

Love yourself before you love others.

But I do love myself. I treat my body with respect, although health is overlooked due to my busy schedule. I love to pamper myself, and bathing can be such an experience for me.

I think I love myself enough. So why do I still feel this inadequate feeling?

Or maybe it's just the same old feeling mistaken for something else -which is horny.





The internal slut of me has just come out to say "Hi".

By the way, it's from a movie. Go google it for more info.


P/S: I blogged quite a lot so suddenly. Gets the engine roaring because I actually love to blog!

And I need you now.

I wonder where are you in this whole wide world? But most importantly, will I be able to find you?

I don't know, I feel a bit empty inside. Really.

Well, I just have to eat.

And pray.

And love.




Lady Antebellum - Need You Now.

Tap tap tap....

Staring at the computer until 3 am. And that damn Photoshop is jammed. Shit.

Papers at hand, I'm writing furiously just in case my idea suddenly disappeared from my mind. There's still ton of paperwork to do too. Being a designer is not all bed of roses.

"Still working?"

"Have to. I thought you're in bed?"

"I'm cold."

"Turn off that air cond then."

"Turned off."

"Go get a blanket."

"I did."

"Then?"

And suddenly he hugs me from behind. Surprise, surprise.

" Hun, take a rest." Spoken with an air of warmth that betrays his words. Together with a nuzzle on the cheek too.

"I'd love to, but it's a week before the deadline and I have to hurry."

"You don't have to do this."

"....."

"You always said that your boss and clients are always awful, demanding with no reasonable reasons. You know that somehow or another you can quit and find other means of living."

Yup, his words are for real. I'm just being a slave there rather than a proper worker who has rights. But design is always what I have done, though I have a "love and hate" relationship with it. If I quit, how will I get the bills paid? Food on the table?

"We have discussed this over and over again, my job can put food on the table and a roof above for both of us." His hands now gently holding mine with care, with an assuring touch.

"But it will be a burden to you. We promised to share everything. It's just not fair to you."

"I promise it won't. Seeing you toiling like this in front there like a machine just breaks my heart."

How sweet his words can be some times.

"Fine, I'll try to quit in a month's time. I just couldn't leave these projects hanging and without a word. There's no absolute guarantee, but I'll try."

He smiled. Gorgeous. From the first time we met until now. I remembered him smiling that day when we talked about pets that we like. Heck, I even remember the cologne on his sun-kissed skin, that black shirt which just cuts amazingly into his figure.

"So can we go to bed together?"

"Haha... You naughty little thing."

And I just switch off that damn hanged computer.

I've been noticing people around me are so happy with their partners and some of them are just so lucky to have them.

I wonder when is my turn.

At times, I do wish that there is someone who I could cuddle up with every night, when it gets to cold.

I do wish that I can have breakfast with that special someone every morning.

That special someone to assure me things will be right when they are truly terribly wrong.

That special someone to do silly stuff with, like stuffing your mouth full of ice-cream and let it freeze, and then laughing like a hyena.

That special someone to watch the stars at night and the sun at dawn.

That special someone to share my life with. And his too.

But I don't know, I'm so busy now I hardly have time for dates, although I do have an account at Fridae for browsing and meeting up new people.


Am I putting not enough effort in finding him?

I have this dream where I will get married someday, to him, by the beach, in a white suit.

And this shall be my ring.





















P/S: Just another post where I get things off my chest. But indeed, I'll pray. And I'll wait. Maybe now it's not the time yet.

Oops, I've forgotten the list. So here it is. The meme list, that is.

1. I have a dream to get married some day, and being gay here doesn't help. I even pictured what I'm wearing, where it'll be held and what stone is my wedding ring. Hehehe...

2. Unfortunately, I haven't found my love. Hopefully I will. ;-)

3. I love bara manga! And those gay comic strips online. Maybe I should do a post on them someday...

4. I also love Thai food very much. But I also love sushi!

5. I can cook and bake. And proud of it!

6. I am learning to be a graphic designer, but my dream is to own an art cafe. Something like the art cafe that I like to go at my hometown.

7. I love branded luxury goods. Especially bags.

8. I went to a club once. Found out that it's a bit too loud for my liking. Not my cup of tea, but wouldn't mind going once in a blue moon.

9. Wish that I have more time to gym, I'm so out of shape and so unhealthy looking.

10. I love to read novels. Fantasy genre, usually.


And that's it for now.

This is the second post.

And I'm falling out of love with my second crush.

Now is my second semester holiday.

My second semester has ended.

My second brother has joined an orchestra.

And that day I was talking about my sexuality with my parents for the second time.

I had two helpings of rice at the Thai restaurant today.

I'm going to get my second computer, an iMac. (hopefully)

All this second things happening in my life.




Hopefully I can get a second chance.


P/S: With time, it starts to heal. :-)

Finally, it's done! My first post on my very first gay blog.

And finally a place that I can pour out my feelings from the other side.

I think it's going to be a meme for the second post.

But hopefully, with this very first start, more good things will come my way.

That's it for now. :-)